Army Defends Gt200 Scanners As ‘Able To Detect Money’

BANGKOK – Under increasing pressure for their controversial purchase of over 500 bomb-detecting scanners that appear to be ineffective, the Thai army responded today with a firm defense of the Gt200 scanner’s ability to detect the presence of money. “These scanners are the best we have ever used,” said deputy army chief of staff Lt Gen Daopong Rattansuwan. “They immediately pick up kickback... 

5,000 Red Shirts Lost In Kao Yai Forest

KAO YAI THIANG – As many as 5,000 members of the pro-Thaksin, anti-government United Front for Democracy against Dictatorship (UDD) have been reported missing by Red Shirt leaders. The protestors, who were scheduled to join the protest outside Privy Councillor Surayud Chulanont’s vacation residence in Nakhon Ratchasima, failed to show up Saturday night at the designated meeting point and were... 

Thai Police Congratulated For Lack Of Fiery, Gruesome Mass Deaths During Holiday

BANGKOK – Today the Thai police were roundly praised for the absence of any massive, catastrophic events during the December holiday period. As citizens returned to work with no reports of bombs, blazing infernos, collapsed roofs, stampedes, or any other kind of multi-death tragedies resulting from negligence and corruption, the police officially declared success and congratulated themselves. “Compared... 

Green Day Concert Briefly Lets Bangkok Expats Pretend They’re Not Like, 40 Years Old

MUANG THONG THANI – Bangkok’s aging, predominantely male population of foreign Gen-X expatriates were treated to a brief respite from their downwardly spiraling, nihilistically detatched lives through a live performance Tuesday night by US-based neo-punk band Green Day. The concert, which lasted over two hours, featured loud renditions of the band’s biggest hits from their multi-platinum... 

Thailand Donates 50,000 Bottles of Whitening Skin Cream To Haiti

BANGKOK – Responding to international criticism that its initial donation of $20,000 was insufficient, the Thai government has generously added 50,000 bottles of whitening skin cream to its aid shipment to earthquake-stricken Haiti. “Thailand is a compassionate nation,” said Foreign Minister Kasit Piromya. “We noticed in the news that the Haitians are all very dark-skinned. This is surely one...