FIFA President Demands Rest of World Cup Be Played With Original 1930 Ball

JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA – Taken aback by calls for the introduction of video technology into football, FIFA president Sepp Blatter has declared that the rest of the World Cup will be contested with an original 1930 World Cup ball in order to re-emphasize “the timeless purity of the game.” The “Tiento” replaces the so-called “Jubalani”, the Adidas ball which was designed and tested... 

Capello Puts England Team Out Of Its Misery In Shed Behind Training Ground

PORT ELIZABETH, SOUTH AFRICA – A tearful Fabio Capello, manager of England’s World Cup football squad, announced he had taken it upon himself to “put down” the entire national team in a shed behind their training ground yesterday. Capello said it had been the toughest decision of his life. “We all witnessed what occurred against Algeria on the pitch and it was terrible for all to watch,”... 

Expat Disappointed By Halt To Attention-Drawing Violence

BANGKOK — American expat John Merryman is hoping for Thailand’s political tensions to flare into a nationwide inferno of violence and bloodshed so that he can again enjoy the attention of friends and family overseas. At the height of the recent troubles, as images of the bloody assault on the red shirt encampment were broadcast around the world, Merryman was receiving up to a dozen messages... 

Thai Film Office Reluctantly Congratulates Thai Cannes-Winning Film

The Thailand Film Office, the official government organization in charge of promoting Thai film, gave a belated and half-hearted congratulations today to director Weerasethakul, who won Thailand’s first-ever Palm d’Or at the prestigious Cannes Film Festival last month for Lung Boonmee Raluek Chat (Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives). Film board director Wanasiri Morakul, whose tenure... 

Architect Sumet Jumsai To Create New Building In The Shape Of His Own Penis

BANGKOK – Famous Thai architect Sumet Jumsai announced this week that designs for a new building in the shape of his own penis had been approved. The small structure will be erected by the end of this year. The Cambridge-educated architect’s previous efforts, the Elephant Building and Robot Building, were also based on juvenile infatuations. The building will be four-and-half storeys high,...