BANGKOK – The Health Ministry has issued its most serious health watch since the SARS outbreak of 2002, warning all Thais that the country is under threat of a major Mormon outbreak.
The condition, originating in the central United States, is known to be highly contagious and in many cases terminal. Symptoms include pale, pimpled skin, social unpopularity, and a severe loss of pleasure and happiness in life. Virginity at the age of 30 is considered a major marker of the disease.
“Those who have full-blown cases of Mormon rarely die from it, but experience a quality of life that’s almost not worth living,” said Health Minister Jurin Laksanawisit. “And the suffering it inflicts on the family is almost like losing a loved one.”
Carriers of Mormon, recognizable by their stylistically challenged wardrobe featuring pleated black slacks and short-sleeved white shirts, have been spotted in downtown Bangkok and as far upcounty as Udon Thani. Each carrier is capable of infecting dozens of others with Mormon.
The Ministry further warned that communities that experience endemic wideepread Mormon are in danger of social collapse. “In the worst-case scenarios, entire cities can become empty of all arts and culture, lose all their diversity and interest in the real world around them, and even engage in a collective mania to build ugly marble buildings with gold statues on top.”
Jurin was quick to point out that there was no need to panic, as many populations had demonstrated a natural resistance to Mormon, with the highest incidence of immunity recorded in large cities with vibrant, international culture.
“The WHO guidelines for containing Mormon suggest that maintaining a sense of humor, keeping an open mind, and studying real American history can all decrease the chances of catching Mormon,” the minister said. “But the best cure is still prevention.”
“If any pale, nerdy, white-shirted carriers carriers are spotted in public, avoid talking to them,” Jurin recommended. “I mean, even more than you would have anyway.”