Corporate Centrist Hegemonist Defeats Corporate Centrist Hegemonist

WASHINGTON, DC – Executive power was smoothly transferred once again in the United States this week as the preferred candidate of one of the nation’s corporate centrist hegemonist parties emerged with a clear electoral victory over the preferred candidate of the nation’s other corporate centrist hegemonist party.

Either incumbent Barack Obama of the Democratic Party or possibly Mitt Romney of the Republican Party won the election, ensuring the continuation of either party’s low-risk, cynically calculated platforms of wasting tax money on hopelessly outdated social programs, bloated pork spending, and criminally unregulated Wall Street bailouts. Furthermore, US corporations cemented their preferential treatment through generous donations to both campaigns.

“Today, we come together not as Democrats or Republicans, but as Americans,” said the winning puppet figure, marking the 39th consecutive presidential victory speech that pretended that the struggling, increasingly irrelevant nation’s bitter divisions were now magically gone. “I look forward to working with my partners on both sides of the aisle to make America stronger,” he continued.

As the rest of the world watched closely, the winning candidate assured his US audience that they were the only people who mattered through pandering soundbites that made non-credible references to American greatness, indicating the continuation of US cultural hegemony and short-sighted, navel-gazing foreign policy that cultivates xenophobia for short-term political gain.

During his victory speech, either Obama or Romney made frequent promises to uphold bankrupt or vague American ideals, and paternally assured the crowd that the future of the world depended on the leadership of the United States, despite all evidence to the contrary. Additionally, Obama or Romney referred to the other 195 nations of the world and its 95.6% of the human population in patronizing, deprecating terms.

The crowd cheered wildly, waving little American flags.

Members of the opposition party made hollow conciliatory gestures, echoing promises of unity. Simultaneously, the opposition unleashed their non-affiliated media personalities and partisan bloggers to write scathing and childish attacks on the president to focus the anger of their supporters into a destructive force that will convert their frothing hatred into hundreds of millions of dollars in future campaign donations.

World stock markets moved broadly higher today, as capitalists were assured that the world’s largest consumer market would continue to buy all manner of unnecessary crap on credit while outsourcing all labor and services to Asia. Furthermore, financial analysts increased their buy ratings on securities related to fossil-fuel consumption, unsustainable mining, and cheap labor markets enforced by brutal non-democratic regimes that the US supports for its own security or political interests.

The US Dollar, however, continued its decline as long-term investors moved towards the relative safety of the yuan.