Horsemeat Discovered In 90% Of IKEA Products

ikeaBANGNA – The IKEA horsemeat scandal grew even bigger this week when it was revealed that the Swedish furniture giant had been secretly using horse-carcass products not just in its meatballs, but in almost all of the furniture and accessories it sold in Thailand and worldwide.

According to new documents released by the company under pressure from various national governments and trade oversight organizations, the medium density fiberboard, or MDF, used to make shelving and tables, is actually 75% horsemeat.

“As it turns out, horses, when ground to a pulp and properly emulsified, can be used to make just about anything,” said Horst Wellenberg, an investigator for the European Union.

Popular IKEA products including the BILLY bookshelf, the EKTORP slipcover sofa, and even the GOSIG line of plush children’s toys were actually composed of dead, processed horses, investigators discovered.

Amidst worldwide outrage by consumers, protection groups, and animal-rights activists, the company has defended its practices by claiming that horsemeat is actually one of nature’s miracle products.

“Horses are eco-friendly, non-toxic, and completely biodegradable,” said Sven Larsson, VP of marketing for IKEA worldwide. “By using horse-meat furniture and accessories, you are actually lowering your carbon footprint by as much as 60% compared to using other materials.”

In Thailand, the fallout from the scandal has been surprisingly muted, as IKEA Bangna store manager Wimonrat Wichitivit reported that traffic had not significantly decreased since the news broke.

“Most Thais have never even seen a horse,” he said, “so really, they don’t care what we use, as long as they never have to shop at INDEX again.”