Thais Protect King From Deadly Ballots

BANGKOK – A possible overthrow of Thailand’s longstanding and revered monarchy was narrowly averted Sunday when courageous groups of patriotic citizens prevented the use of thousands of voting ballots by persons with ill intentions.

“We heard that bad people who didn’t love our king had assembled an arsenal of over a million ballots in locations throughout the city,” said Issara Semchaiyat, a member of the People’s Democratic Reform Council. “So we immediately sent out groups of people to stop this violent balloting.”

By 9am Sunday, over 35 polling stations throughout greater Bangkok, as well as several hundred more in Thailand’s southern provinces, were occupied by Thais ready to defend their beloved monarch, King Bhumibol Adulyadej, from the treasonous filling out of papers with ball-point pens.

When traitorous would-be electors started arriving to the polling stations as instructed by the anti-monarchist electoral process outlined in Thailand’s current charter and Election Commission law, the protesters physically blocked the entrances and prevented the deadly activation of the ballots inside.

Loyal Thais form a human wall against oncoming ballots

Loyal Thais form a human wall against oncoming ballots

“We knew that if we allowed these dirty voters to get their hands on those wicked ballots, they would be armed with the terrorist weapons they crave,” said Veeran Podpichnid, a protester who blocked a polling station in Bang Rak.

“A voter with a ballot is no different than a suicide bomber,” he said. “They need to be treated as such.”

Although police were officially charged with protecting the polling station, recent accusations by both PDRC leaders and the Thai press that the such actions are “appeasing republicanism” apparently caused them to stand down. Police spokesperson Major General Payao Uthit explained that the possibility that voters intended to use mass balloting was tantamount to criminal behavior.

“We were told that the voting was organized, widespread, and premeditated, and that it represented some kind of systematic attack on our king called an ‘election’. So we chose not to protect it, out of loyalty to His Majesty.”

By 2pm the determined patriots had shut down every polling station in the capital, physically confronting would-be voters if necessary, and verbally abusing others with pro-monarchy slogans intended to gently educate them about the imminent threat to Thailand’s head of state caused by pluralist, representative government.

“I would take a ballot in the head for my king!” shouted an elderly woman at a younger one who attempted to get past the protesters to exercise her regicidal legal rights. “You should be ashamed!”

Claiming victory, the protesters returned to the main PDRC stage areas where they were praised by PDRC leader Suthep Thaugsuban for being “ballot-proof soldiers wearing helmets of merit.”

“Today, we faced down an enemy that threatens to destroy everything we cherish about our nation, our culture, and our king,” said Suthep. “The very fact that this government could assemble tens of millions of live ballots and distribute them to low-morality people around the country is proof that they are plotting against His Majesty.”

According to Suthep, an even larger force of loyal Thais will be called upon if necessary to fight Thaksin’s 40-million ballot arsenal on February 2, if the scheduled election proceeds.

“If we must die in a hail of ballots, blocking their poison with our own bodies, we shall do so gladly in the name of our king,” he said. “His Majesty will never need worry about the ballot threat so long as there are people like us around.”

“We will insulate him from voters for as long as he lives. That’s a promise.”