US Embassy Urges Citizens To Stockpile Bland, Unhealthy Food

BANGKOK – In an emergency message sent to all registered US citizens in Thailand, the embassy of the United States urged everyone to prepare for the upcoming Bangkok shutdown event by buying at least three weeks supply of terrible, tasteless American food.

“As the nature of protests can be unpredictable, and supply chains may be disrupted, we strongly suggest you pre-buy essential foods that are bland, non-spicy, and saturated with sugar and processed carbohydrates,” the message read in part. “Children’s foods, such as Oreo cookies, saltine crackers, and Rice Crispies, may be in short supply, as well as Kraft cheese slices and Cheetos.”

Some of the nutrition-free food that Americans need may be in short supply

Some of the nutrition-free food that Americans need may be in short supply

While the embassy encouraged Americans to remain “calm but vigilant,” it warned that a worst-case scenario where they might be forced to “shop at local fresh markets” and “eat actual Thai food” couldn’t be ruled out.

Additionally, the message suggested that citizens stockpile non-food items that might be important to maintain an American lifestyle, such as DVDs of Hollywood films, pandering mass-market paperback books by Rhonda Byrne, and iTunes downloads of at least three seasons of The Voice.

The embassy then reminded US citizens not to take part in the protests, or participate in counter-protests, or join any peace movements, or harbor any political opinions whatsoever, or read up on 20th century Thai history and the disturbing history of the CIA’s involvement in undermining democratic progress throughout Southeast Asia.

“Remember,” it said in closing, “your safety is our top priority.”