Prayuth Rides Horse Shirtless, Wrestles Monitor Lizard

NAKHON SAWAN PROVINCE – Thailand’s Prime Minister Prayuth Chan-Ocha made a bold policy statement today about his administration by riding a horse while topless  in front of reporters.

The press event, which was billed as a “comprehensive discussion of the important pillars of Thailand’s prosperous future” took place at the Division 3 Royal Thai Army Base in Nakhon Sawan. At 9 am reporters were escorted down to the bank of the Nan river, where a military march was playing on loudpeakers.

At approximately 09:25, Prayuth emerged from behind a wooded area on horseback, and proceeded to parade in front of the reporters for about 15 minutes. Dressed in military formal uniform except with no shirt, the Prime Minister occasionally flexed his biceps and crossed his arms to accentuate the broadness of his bare shoulders.

Then he rode the horse up the reporters and spoke.

“We hope you can see now once and for all that Thailand’s future stability and status in the international community are clearly in good hands, and firm pectorals” he said. “As prime minister I have been working extremely hard — exercising 4 hours a day sometimes – to serve the people through my stunning masculinity.”

Thailand's Prime Minister demonstrates the full extent of his leadership.

Thailand’s Prime Minister demonstrates the full extent of his leadership.

When asked about the schedule for upcoming elections, Prayuth answered that he could bench press 75 kilograms, and run 10 kilometers without tiring.

Photographs of the Prime Minister in various physical activities, including sit-ups, throwing a medecine ball, chopping a tree with an axe, and climbing a sheer cliff wall without a rope were then distributed to the press.

“My administrative policies are all outlined in these pictures,” Prayuth said.

Requests for a statement regarding the Bank of Thailand’s recent downward revision of projected fourth-quarter GDP growth to 3.5% were answered with a demand to know the age of the reporter asking the question.

“You are younger than me, so you must respect me,” said Prayuth. “Yet despite my venerable age, I have the physique of a much younger man.  I am twice as strong as I was last year. Therefore Thailand is growing at a 100% rate, according to my body.”

When asked to address the issue of press freedom and the easing of strict censorship laws that currently bind the media and academics, including the recent suspension of the FCC as the oversight body of communications in favor of direct military control, the Prime Minister dismounted his horse and approached the press table. Pounding his fists on the table, he challenged the reported to fight him like a man.

When the reporter delcined, Prayuth declared himself the winner, and therefore entitled to decide what was fair and truthful and what was not.

“I am not afraid of any man, or any nation!” he said. “I will fight Obama, I will fight Angela Merkel, I will fight Ban Ki-Moon – all at once! Then we will see who is right.”

Although no reporters asked any questions after that, the Prime Minister, still shirtless, said that he knew what they were thinking.

“You want to ask me about democracy, don’t you?” he asked. “You want to challenge me with your tiny weak ideas about voting and letting evil men steal from this kingdom. Well, I have your answer.”

Two soldiers then brought out a large cage, which was opened to release a 2-meter long water monitor lizard. Prayuth immediately placed the reptile in a headlock, presenting his curled right bicep to reporters as it encircled the confused animal’s head.

“This is your democracy!” Prayuth shouted. “This is your America and your Thaksin and your New York Times! My powerful muscles of merit will choke the life out of the enemies of Thailand! For Nation, Monarchy, Buddhism!

The Prime Minister then broke the water monitor’s neck with a violent twist of his arms and shoulders, disconnecting its skull from its spine with an audible snap. Lifting the lifeless creature’s body above his head, Prayuth hurled the corpse in to the river, screaming a Thai obscenity.

After a short period of silence, the prime Minister turned to the stunned reporters and thanked the press for coming, and told them that he would see them again soon at the 26th ASEAN Summit in Kuala Lumpur.

“If anyone needs me, I will lifting freeweights in front of a mirror while three young but modestly dressed women watch me on their knees nearby while singing patriotic songs,” he said.

“Because that’s what my administration is all about.”