MOSCOW – Prime Minister Vladamir Putin told the Russian parliament yesterday that his leadership had returned the Russian to his rightful place as most common Hollywood villain. Many of the members of the Federal Assembly, most who whom donned fur caps with ear flaps,  leather gloves and sported acne scars, cheered and tapped black canes on the floor in tribute to Putin. Analysts had thought that... 

WASHINGTON – New diplomatic cables released by Wikileaks detailing internal communications between US diplomatic corps staff reveal that the Obama administration used the promise of Thailand’s first Krispy Kreme franchise to seal the deal in obtaining wanted arms merchant Viktor Bout. According to documents placed on the site Wednesday, emails between the US Ambassador’s office and Washington... 

SEOUL – The Korean Peninsula descended into full-blown war this morning when a dandelion seed, caught in a gentle northerly breeze, crossed the DMZ into North Korea. The unilateral seed-trespass, which violated Pyongyang’s earlier declaration to protect its territory against “any incursion of .00001 millimeter” was immediately answered by a tactical nuclear strike on the main port at Pusan,... 

PYONGYANG – South Korean intelligence reports now confirm that Kim Jong Il’s pancreas has been arrested, charged with treason, and sentenced to 200 years in a labor camp. The pancreas, which was diagnosed with terminal cancer earlier this year, was also accused of conspiring against both the “Dear Leader” and the concept of “juche” or self-sufficiency by allowing its tissue cells to mutate... 

LEBANON, TENNESSEE – CIA interrogators forced Abu Zubaydah, a suspected Al Qaeda operative, to eat at Cracker Barrel Old Country Store 83 times in one month, according to recently released Justice Department legal memorandum from 2005. With its punishing cuisine and cruel décor, a single visit to the popular American chain restaurant is widely considered to be within the legal definition of torture. “If...