PYONGYANG – South Korean intelligence reports now confirm that Kim Jong Il’s pancreas has been arrested, charged with treason, and sentenced to 200 years in a labor camp. The pancreas, which was diagnosed with terminal cancer earlier this year, was also accused of conspiring against both the “Dear Leader” and the concept of “juche” or self-sufficiency by allowing its tissue cells to mutate without authorization and impeding the Dear Leader’s hormonal functions. The pancreas is believed to have been held in isolation since its arrest and forced removal from Kim, who is believed to be in intensive care. A search for a donor has turned up 12 million volunteers, who have been queueing up to donate their pancreases into a general stock, from which one will be chosen.