BANGKOK — Prime Minister Paetongtarn Shinawatra admitted that she is “not very good” at negotiating, following revelations that she gave China everything it wanted during her recent visit without securing any concessions for Thailand.
Paetongtarn, whose previous experience in governance consists of being Daddy’s Favorite Girl, met with Chinese President Xi Jinping—who has spent nearly five decades consolidating power—to discuss regional security, scam centers, trade, and the fate of 48 Uyghur refugees detained in Thailand since 2014.
“It was during our trade talks that President Xi somehow got the upper hand,” she said, still perplexed by what had happened. “He asked if China could have the Uyghurs back, and I just said yes. I had forgotten my iPad with all my notes, so I had no idea what I was supposed to say. Without it, I just kind of panic and agree to things.”
The news has left Thai trade officials baffled. “I assumed she got something in return—tariff reductions, market access, literally anything,” said a representative of the Thai Chamber of Commerce, who spoke on condition of anonymity to avoid violating defamation laws. “But no. She gave up leverage, got nothing, and then came home. Or at least, that’s what she claims. If she actually did negotiate something in return, she’s somehow embarrassed to admit it. Which, honestly, would be even worse.”
A human rights lawyer familiar with Southeast Asian asylum cases was equally dumbfounded. “Look, governments do this kind of thing all the time, but they usually have the dignity to either lie better about it or at least sell people out for a good price. In the 1930s, France turned away German Jewish refugees, but at least it secured trade concessions from Berlin. After World War II, the UK and the U.S. forcibly repatriated thousands of anti-Soviet White Russians and Cossacks to Stalin as part of postwar negotiations to stabilize Europe. Even the U.S. sent anti-communist dissidents to their deaths in the Cold War, but at least it got diplomatic leverage. Thailand? Nothing. Not even a high-speed rail. She is either incompetent for failing to get any deal, or a coward for being too scared to admit the deal she got.”
Meanwhile, in Beijing, the negotiations were over so quickly that Xi Jinping reportedly found himself at a loss for how to spend the rest of the meeting. According to sources, after securing the Uyghurs’ repatriation within minutes, Xi attempted to prolong the discussion out of politeness.
“He even asked her if she wanted to talk about trade deals, but she just said, ‘No thanks, I trust you,’” said one of Xi’s aides, still in disbelief. “At one point, he excused himself to ‘go check something’, and we found him five minutes later just staring blankly at a fire extinguisher on the wall.”
The realization of her failure hit Paetongtarn only after she returned to her hotel room later that afternoon. According to sources, she spent several minutes staring at the minibar before pouring two shots of Black Label into a tumbler.
“Long-term purchase agreements? Technology transfers? Faster border crossings?” she muttered, swirling the whiskey in her glass. Then she downed it in one gulp. “Yeah, I didn’t ask for any of that.”
Sources close to the prime minister say she has asked Deputy Prime Minister Phumtham Wechayachai to delay telling her father, former PM Thaksin Shinawatra, until she had figured out how to explain it without risking making her daddy angry.
At press time, the prime minister reminded herself that no matter the fallout from her poor decision-making, she was still one of the richest women in Thailand.
