Undisclosed Location, Thailand — In what officials are calling an “unfortunate administrative oversight,” a covert government facility experienced a fatal incident when an unexpected flood of political dissidents, critics, and comedians sparked an unmanageable crowd crush, leading to multiple deaths. The facility, known for its “attitude adjustment” programs to gently remind citizens of the virtues of the status quo, struggled to accommodate the sudden surge of detainees, resulting in severe overcrowding in one of the facility’s narrowest hallways.
“Usually, we keep things at a comfortable trickle of new arrivals,” explained Army Maj. Gen. Somchai Jammarut, the facility’s administrator. “A few politicians one day, a couple of academics the next. But it seems the Prayut Administration decided to conduct a comprehensive sweep of dissenters ahead of upcoming regional meetings and next year’s elections. The place was packed.”
Reports suggest the chaos began when a newly arrived group of satirists—cartoonists and online comedians rounded up for “attitude recalibration”—accidentally collided with a larger gathering of historians, activists, and journalists already queuing for re-education. Within seconds, crowd density soared to 6.2 people per square meter, far beyond the international safety limit of 4–5 per square meter. The resulting crush led to asphyxiation, and multiple organ failure of the victims. Dozens were declared dead at the scene.
“Although let’s be real; the trauma we were going to cause these prisoners would have been far worse than anything that happened to them in that hallway–if they survived, which they didn’t, so there’s nothing to worry about,” stated Mr. Somchai, acting bored by the entire incident.
Officials acknowledged the tragedy but noted, “While unfortunate, these individuals were slated for re-education and potential execution. Our only regret is that they did not have the opportunity to confess their transgressions, identify collaborators, and request clemency before their untimely deaths. We’ll be conducting raids on their families’ homes later for any additional materials that could lead us to more co-conspirators. Usually the wife knows more than she lets on.”
Wanchalerm Satsaksit / Ittipon Sukpaen / Wuthipong “Ko Tee” Kochathamakul.
Missing and definitely never coming home for dinner.
Damrong Chittisakruklong, a campus supervisor and seasoned National Intelligence Agency official, reflected on the facility’s history, stating, “We’ve hosted many notable figures here, including Ittipon Sukpaen, Wuthipong Kochathamakul, and Wanchalerm Satsaksit. Nithiwat Wannasiri remains abroad, but with our regional security agreements, it’s only a matter of time before he shows up on someone’s radar.
When asked about today’s incident, Mr. Damrong demured, explaining that extraordinary rendition was a tricky business. “Most of our guests manage to survive their stay long enough to ‘adjust their attitudes’ and live the rest of their lives staring blankly into space. Of course, that’s not always a given, because transport is also risky. Detainees are often shocked when they are ambushed by half a dozen men, tased, hooded, thrown in the back of an unmarked van, and transported across several provinces. The occasional heart attack en route is just part of the business.”
Regarding the handling of post-mortem logistics, Mr. Damrong noted that a crocodile farm on-site simplifies disposal. “Now and then, we leave bodies to be found, as a public service, to remind people what happens when they rock the boat—it’s a powerful reminder of the risks of asking for ‘freedom’ on Facebook. Makes the next potential target think twice.”
Mr. Damrong was particularly impressed by the international solidarity that bolsters the site’s operations. “Countries like the U.S., France, and Japan have been gracious enough to deny asylum requests from ‘political refugees,’ knowing full well they’ll end up back here with us. It’s a diplomatic courtesy extended to us, really. Just goes to show what kind of reciprocity you can get if you’re willing to host a CIA blacksite or two for the War on Terror.”
Meanwhile, government spokespersons urged journalists and citizens not to confuse this facility with standard immigration detention centers. “If people think this place is hell, they clearly haven’t been to the facilities we actually acknowledge.”
