BANGKOK – In what is being described as preparation for his final attempt to take over the Kingdom of Siam, deposed Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra is believed to be fashioning an invincible army of ghastly humanoid goblins out of mud and black magic. According to a new report released by the office of the Thai Supreme Command, army intelligence reconnaissance has verified the existence of a massive orc-building site in the mountains near Chiang Mai, Thaksin’s stronghold.
Photographs shared with the press show what appears to be a quarry dug near an improvised dam on the Ping River, along with hundreds of small blacksmith’s fires which the army claims are being used to forge crude swords with spikes at the tips. The filthy mud-and-magic-formed orcs, which are called U-rak-thai, are described as having unacceptably dark skin and fearsome, crude manners, as well as breath smelling like Lao Hai.
“This is nor ordinary army,” explained army chief Anupong Paojinda. “These U-rak-thai do not fear sunlight or the seniority of puu yai. They cannot be placated by Buddhist abstractions about karma, or by casting spells of nationalism. Even our royalist amnesia weapons have no effect on them. In other words, they are not human. Or at least not Thai.” In addition to their fearsome character, the orcs appear to be multiplying at supernatural rates. “We don’t know what kind of populist black magic Thaksin is using, but the U-rak-thai are becoming so numerous that soon they will be a force that no one can stop,” Anupong explained.
In preparation for the onslaught of the dark-skinned U-rak-thai, the military is on its highest state of alert, calling up all reservists and able-bodied men to fight what is expected to be a great battle that will determine the fate of the kingdom itself. Walls are being hastily erected to completely enclose the city of Bangkok, into which the population of central Thailand has fled for safety. Anupong has sworn to defend the kingdom with his own life, personally leading his elite brigade of soldiers, dubbed the Riders of Rattanakosin, to defend the Grand Palace.
Privy Council head Prem Tinsulanonda has been entrusted with the defense of Dusit and the residence of His Majesty. Appearing for a press conference on the Makkawan Bridge, Prem, dressed in a long white robe and sporting a newly grown white beard, explained his strategy by raising his gnarled wooden walking staff and pounding it into the pavement. “They shall not pass!” he exclaimed, as the bridge cracked beneath his feet. Two reporters from Channel 7 and one from Al-Jazeera were injured when the bridge collapsed into the klong.
Meanwhile, counter-intelligence operations have been stepped up as well, following reports that a massive surveillance camera mechanism, or “eye,” has appeared between the two giant antenna atop the Shin Tower on Phyathai Road. A statement from their corporate offices denied any connection between the company and Thaksin, who officially sold his shares to Temasak in 2005.
The army also confirmed that a lateral paramilitary operation was being conducted to defeat Thaksin by destroying the secret source of his power, the 70 billion baht which was seized after the 2006 coup. “The only way to end Thaksin’s reign of terror is to destroy all 70 billion baht at once,” explained army spokesperson Colonel Sunsern Kaewkumnerd. “However, the only fire that can destroy such a large number of bills is the cremation oven inside the Golden Mount. Additionally, the power that is contained within 70 billion baht is considered so great that it will corrupt any Thai who touches it.” He declined to confirm a rumor that even Prem himself refused the mission on the grounds that he would not touch that much money.
Instead, a small band of stateless civilians, led by two short hilltribe people from the far north, has been dispatched to hand-carry the Money of Power to the fire of the Golden Mount. The exact timing and parameters of their mission has been classified as top secret. In addition to Thaksin who lusts after its power and the U-rak-thai who want it distributed among themselves, it is believed that ordinary Thais, including monks, might try to seize it.
Already many prominent generals and politicians have openly questioned the army strategy of destroying the money, which they say would be better used to buy new weapons or fund development projects. “I want to defeat Thaksin too, but to destroy all that money is wrong,” said Finance Minister Korn Chatikavanij, who claimed to have been “mesmerized” by the money’s glow when he encountered it. “Plus it has the King’s face on it. You can’t burn it, you just can’t.”
However, the army has remained adamant that the mission is crucial to winning the war against Thaksin, and the idea has gained support among academics. “If we can resist its allure, and destroy it despite its promises of unlimited power, only then can a new chapter of our people begin,” said social critic Sulak Sivaraska. “This is a battle for nothing less than the soul of Thailand. It will bring out everyone’s true nature.”
Meanwhile, a number of Rattanakosin residents have reported seeing Thaksin’s ex-wife Potjamon, naked and disfigured by her obsession with her lost wealth, crawling along the klongs of Old Town near the Golden Mount, whispering “My precioussssss…”
