PHETCHABURI — Responding to the discovery of a woman’s body tied to a log and floating in a pond, officers from Nong Ya Plong Police Station arrived swiftly at the scene, ready to immediately contaminate it.
After securing the area with a single traffic cone stolen from the highway division and a strand of blue thread pulled from an old t-shirt from a previous crime scene, Lt. Col. Phanupong “Thao Plao” Saelim and Col. Jiraporn “Mai Pen Rai” Wattanakul began methodically undermining every known procedure for evidence collection.
Lt. Col. Phanupong, who elected to go barefoot through the muddy perimeter where the perpetrator likely stood, successfully erased any chance of retrieving the suspect’s footprints. He then lit a cigarette, tapped the ashes across multiple potential evidence sites, and tossed the butt into the pond beside the still-floating body.
Meanwhile, Col. Jiraporn drove her cruiser directly over existing tire marks believed to belong to the murderer. “I don’t like walking too far,” she explained. “I’ve had a bad knee since playing sepak takraw in college. Maybe those were the killer’s tracks, maybe mine. Mai pen rai.”
Asked how she expected to identify the culprit, Jiraporn expressed full confidence in intuition and divine assistance. “Evidence? No one cares about evidence,” she said. “Judges just look a defendant in the eye and decide whether their face suits the word ‘Guilty’ in tomorrow’s headline. Unless, of course, the defendant or their family has already paid them for a ‘Not Guilty’ verdict. Then the judge just sees the money.”
Lt. Col. Phanupong agreed, reclining in the truck bed while playing Candy Crush. “I knew who did it weeks ago,” he said. “I dreamed the whole thing before it even happened, then confirmed the vision after an hour of temple prayer. Who needs forensics when you can perceive someone’s karma?”
At press time, Pol. Major Gen. Chalermphon Worasirithanachai said that as long as everyone wore those little blue nylon gloves, he didn’t see what the problem was.
Email Us: Info at NotTheNation dot com
