Inanimate Carbon Rod Taken Into Custody

PHUKET — Officers from Choeng Thale Police Station confirmed Monday that an inanimate carbon rod had been taken into custody after falling from a crane at a luxury condominium construction site and impaling the roof of a nearby woman’s home, in what authorities described as “the only actionable lead remaining.” According to police, the reinforced steel rod detached from a crane lifting bundled rebar at the Petit Tycoon by The Chardonnay project near Surin Beach, a ฿486 million development whose various stakeholders immediately clarified that responsibility for the incident rested firmly with someone else. “We initially approached the project owners to see if they could resolve the matter by compensating the homeowner,” said Police Captain Urumporn Koondejsumrit. “They explained that they merely financed the project and were not responsible for physical reality occurring outside a boardroom.” Police were then referred to the main contractor, who redirected investigators to the site foreman, who cited lunch break immunity and suggested questioning the crane operator. The crane operator, in turn, stated the lift had been conducted according to protocol and recommended speaking to the worker who secured the load. That worker confirmed the straps were tight but noted one rod was “already sticking out” and blamed the delivery team, who blamed the supplier, who blamed industry standards, who blamed karmic retribution. After nine rounds of interviews produced no accountable human actor, police elected to arrest the rod itself, citing its presence at the scene and continued refusal to vacate the woman’s living space. “At this point, the rod is the only party that hasn’t denied involvement,” said Captain Urumporn. At press time, the steel rod remained lodged in police evidence storage, declined to comment, and was reportedly preparing a defense strategy centered on natural law and vertical acceleration.