NANA PLAZA – The addition of six gourmet imported Belgian beers to the drinks menu at Mandarin Bar in Bangkok’s Nana Plaza has so far failed to significantly alter the experience of patronizing the establishment, customers report.
“I always end up getting hammered, barfining two girls and taking them home for an overpriced three-way that never works out, then waking up with a killer hangover and two irritating bargirls in my house who won’t leave,” said Marty Sanchez, a 43-year-old expatriate from Miami. “When I saw they had Hoegaarden, one of my favorite beers, I thought maybe it would change everything. But it didn’t.”
According to Sanchez, the subtle hints of coriander, wheat bread, and lemons in Hoegaarden’s aroma failed to prevent him from drunkenly choosing two girls who were clearly uncomfortable with the idea of group sex. Additionally, the beer’s signature cloudy opacity and light, tangy carbonated taste did little to prevent him from smoking too many cigarettes.
Other patrons reported similarly disappointing results. While Cary McKinnon, a 36-year-old from Ireland, was initially “delighted” to see that Mandarin now served Orval, a beer still made by Trappist Cestercian monks, there was no marked increase in his satisfaction with his evening at Nana Plaza after drinking three of them.
“Orval is the most complex of the Trappist beers, getting its flavor more from the special Brettanomyces yeast than from the malt,” explained McKinnon, a self-described beer connoisseur. “But maybe those subtleties were lost because I was listening to blaring techno music and drowning in pink light and leering at whores dressed as students.”
Also, noted McKinnon, the girl on his lap made fun of his drink choice, leading him to try to explain to her in slow English that it was a special beer made by monks.
“She didn’t believe me,” he said. “She said monks don’t drink. I gave up trying to explain it, and then felt depressed because it reminded me that I really had nothing in common with her.”
McKinnon ended up going home alone, as he claims he usually does, because “The Catholic guilt kicks in after three beers. And drinking three Orvals instead of three Heinekens didn’t make any difference. Well, except in price.”
While those choosing the new Belgian beers generally reported disappointing experiences, patrons who seemed unimpressed by the new drinks appeared to be more satisfied with their time at Mandarin.
“What the fuck is a Chimay?” asked Troy Prosky, a 23-year-old from Wisconsin. “I mean it costs 280 baht and it doesn’t look any bigger than the Singha. Why would I want one?”
Upon learning that it was a Trappist ale with hints of pepper, brandy and molasses, Prosky laughed.
“You see that girl up on stage with the great ass? I’m going to fuck her for forty bucks,” he said. “If I need a faggy gourmet beer to complete the experience, then something’s seriously wrong with my head.”
