UNITED STATES — Following Donald Trump’s shocking re-election, millions of Americans flooded e-visa portals worldwide, scrambling to leave the country. Unfortunately for the prospective expatriates, the high demand has left most visa sites crashed or filled with “APPLICATIONS SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE” messages as countries struggle to keep up.
The e-visa portal for Thailand, for example, received an estimated 41 million tourist visa applications overnight, promptly crashing the site for hours. “I went to Thailand back in 2015 and loved it,” said Sandra Johnson, 35, from San Jose, CA. “I ate khao niao mamuang every day and stayed in a little bamboo bungalow. It was paradise! Now I can’t even load the visa page. It nearly loaded once, but then it just went back to 404. I still have hope there’s a chance,” she said, refreshing her browser with trembling fingers.
Katie Marcini, 29, of Aurora, Illinois, was similarly distraught, having tried nine different countries’ portals. “It’s like every single one is closed already. Thailand, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, the UK—all of them just say no,” she said, wiping away tears. “I thought at least Canada would take me! Don’t they have a humanitarian policy or something?”
With popular destinations at capacity or closed off entirely, many Americans have turned their sights to less conventional options. “I’m even considering Cambodia or Laos. I mean, it’s got to be better than what we’re in for here, right?” said Marcini, eyeing nations with limited political and press freedoms but somehow still seeming “a little safer” to her than another four years under Trump. When asked if she was aware of the harsh press restrictions and authoritarian governments in both countries, Marcini shrugged, “Well, at least they aren’t trying to ban TikTok again.”
“We’ll Take Anywhere, Seriously,” Say Prospective Exiles
Some Americans, faced with endless “Suspended” notifications, are growing desperate. Alex Kline, 42, of Austin, Texas, was last seen frantically Googling visa options in places most Americans might never consider. “Anyone got any info on, like, Belarus? How strict are they on free speech? I’m ready to risk it,” he posted to Facebook, adding, “I’ll even learn Russian if I have to.”
Other Americans, like Mark Stevenson, 52, from Seattle, are eyeing countries with a poor track record on freedom but promising “a chance to start over.” “Look, I hear Uzbekistan has really upped its tourism game recently, and I’m open to it. Honestly, I just want to go somewhere they aren’t monitoring my tweets.”
“I Guess I’ll Wait in Line” Say Applicants Determined to Leave by Any Means Necessary
Some of the most determined would-be emigrants, finding limited options in the typical destinations, are resolutely exploring more authoritarian countries, taking a “glass-half-full” approach to their choices. “My first choice was Norway,” explained Greg Thomas, 33, from Pittsburgh, who was greeted by a full-site lockdown on the Norwegian immigration portal. “But if I can’t get in there, I’ll try somewhere else. I mean, Qatar might be strict, but I bet they’re efficient—they’ll have a visa processed fast!”
Meanwhile, internet forums are buzzing with Americans sharing workarounds, tips, and desperate pleas for visa leads. “If anyone knows a back door into the New Zealand application portal, let me know,” posted one user on Reddit, who later expressed tentative interest in Sri Lanka after discovering New Zealand’s site was down for the foreseeable future.
Reflections on Freedom, Mostly as it Pertains to Leaving
As visa options dwindle, many Americans are finding new perspectives on what “freedom” means. “I just want to go somewhere with some freedom,” said Linda Garza, 26, of Miami, who spent the last two hours toggling between e-visa pages for Malaysia, Egypt, and Vietnam. “Is it perfect? No. But it feels more secure than, well, whatever America’s turning into.”
“We’ve Never Seen So Much Interest in Serbia Before!” Says Overwhelmed European Immigration Official
Even European immigration officials are reeling from the surge in American applicants. “Frankly, we’ve never seen so much interest in Serbia before,” said Lars Petrovic, head of Serbia’s Immigration and Citizenship Bureau. “We used to get maybe one American application a month, and now we’re flooded. They’re calling it ‘Plan Z’—Serbia or bust! And, quite honestly, we’re not sure how to handle it.”
Petrovic reported that applications surged tenfold overnight, with Americans apparently viewing Serbia’s quiet cities, lower cost of living, and abundant countryside as “charming” and “refreshingly authoritarian.” He laughed, shaking his head, “They don’t seem to realize we don’t even have direct flights from the U.S., but they’re saying things like, ‘I’ll swim if I have to.’ We’re doing our best to accommodate, but even Serbia has its limits.”
“We’ll Decide Who Stays and Who Goes”: New Administration Outlines Strict Exit Policy
In a chilling statement, a Trump administration official confirmed plans for a “strict vetting” of those hoping to leave the country, indicating that the government would be “very selective” about who departs under the new administration. “It’s pretty simple,” the official stated. “If you’re Hispanic, Middle Eastern, Asian, or anything else not obviously of European heritage, we’ll help you pack. We’re going to take care of that, don’t worry.”
The official went on to clarify that “certain groups will be expected to remain here.” With a steely grin, he added, “Any woman of child-bearing age—let’s say any female under 40—will be required to stay and contribute to America’s future. We’re keeping the people we need to rebuild this country.” As he concluded, the message was clear: “If you thought leaving would be easy, think again. America’s best days are coming, and everyone we’ve deemed necessary will be here to witness them.”
