WASHINGTON, D.C. — The US Congress has opened an inquiry into a controversial secret program, authorized by President George W. Bush, to identify nations where he is still popular.
The program has reportedly cost billions of dollars and involved almost every government agency, including the State Department, National Security Agency (NSA), Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and even The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA).
In its early stages, the State Department and CIA used basic techniques, from field surveys to eavesdropping, to determine whether there was any nation on earth where the people would not greet the news of Bush’s assassination with whoops and hollers of joy.
Respondents were asked: should Bush be killed, how would you react?
a) call friend with exciting news
b) whoops and hollers of joy
c) sadness
d) burn his effigy
In 2006, after it was conclusively determined that the majority of the national populations of all 193 internationally recognized states reviled the American leader, the program was expanded and its budget increased by Bush in order “to locate or, if necessary, foment the creation of at least one nation on earth where I am not the subject of hatred and ridicule and can walk freely among the people as a hero.”
The CIA identified the island nations of Palau and Tuvalu as susceptible, due to their tiny populations, to massive propaganda campaigns and cash payoffs which could turn their populations in the American leader’s favor. However, both programs not only failed but reportedly increased resentment of the US president.
In Palau, village elders have since erected a totem poll carved with foxes, crows and other representations of evil spirits with Bush’s likeness as its head. A new faatele, a traditional oral song-play, has also been composed and regularly performed in the common. In it, a foreign devil known as Bushman is beheaded, buried and his grave is urinated on.
In Tuvalu, a previously peaceful Protestant nation with no military, the people have reportedly returned to animism and taken to walking around with spears.
In the program’s most costly undertaking and final stage, Bush asked NASA in 2007 to use satellite imaging of the earth to locate previously undiscovered tribes that might be willing to host Bush on a state visit, and finally ordered the international space station to search for alien life forms which might not find him to be a grotesque specimen of the human species. Again, both efforts failed.
Before Bush suspended the program, the program chief, Dick Cheney, gave his final recommendation to his boss. In an extremely brief, top secret document, Cheney concluded: “I hate your guts too you sonofabitch.”
