WASHINGTON, D.C. — Absolute mayhem and confusion erupted in the hallway outside the White House Cabinet room, as Trump Administration officials threw punches, grabbed hair, and tore each other’s clothes after a more than three-hour meeting concluded, in which betrayal, broken promises, and secret agreements were exposed.
“That cunt stole my line!” screamed Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer, accusing Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard of using her intended praise for President Trump’s work on behalf of American laborers herself. “That’s not even her department! We had a deal!” she fumed, stalking back and forth, while refusing treatment from EMTs for a black eye she received during the fight. “That back-stabbing, Cruella-deVille-looking bitch. I’ll make sure to delete all of her department’s employees’ salary records. Watch any of them try to collect their retirement now.”
According to presidential historian Douglas Brinkley, sycophantic quotes of fawning praise are normally predetermined and sorted by undersecretaries and deputies days in advance. He said it was “quite rare” for one official to undermine another by stealing a line, adding he had never seen anything like it and was clearly distressed at another norm being broken by the Trump Administration.
“Like that dumb slut should even talk,” cried Commerce Secretary Howard “HoLu” Lutnick, referring to Chavez-DeRemer. “She got that banner idea from me! I only mentioned it to her because I wanted to make her jealous.” With his face and jacket covered in blood, he was quietly escorted into a waiting ambulance. Reports indicate Lutnick spent half his department’s fourth quarter budget printing a 400-yard banner of the President’s face intended to fly from the top of the Washington Monument. Anonymous sources said Lutnick was reluctant to now display the banner for fear of being called a copycat, even though, “it was definitely my idea, first.”
At press time, President Trump ordered all his Cabinet officials back for a second round, where sounds of further debasement could be heard long into the night.
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