Washington, D.C. — Flanked by supporters like Hoggish Greedly, Looten Plunder, and Verminous Skumm, EPA Secretary Lee Zeldin announced an arrest warrant for Captain Planet, citing charges of eco-terrorism, economic sabotage, and “indoctrinating children against respectable corporate interests.”
“The unchecked tyranny of Captain Planet and his Planeteers ends today,” Zeldin declared from the steps of a newly christened coal plant, its smokestacks darkening the sky for miles.
“The American people don’t want some unregulated flying man shutting down businesses. They don’t want their children believing ‘Heart’ is a real element. And they sure as hell don’t want their God-given, gas-guzzling SUVs shamed by a guy in spandex underwear who never wears pants.”
Cheers and applause erupted from the crowd, though much of it was interrupted by coughing fits from the high concentration of PM 2.5 swirling in the air.
“So-called ‘Captain Planet’ has spent decades destroying the factories of hardworking Americans. But that ends today! With powers vested in me by President Trump, I hereby order his arrest,” declared Zeldin, his eyes turning red against coal ash falling from the sky.
Speaking from Mar-a-Lago, Trump personally endorsed the move. “Let me tell you, folks, Captain Planet is a total disaster. I’ve seen disasters before, but this is something else. Tremendous. Is he even a real captain? We’re going to look into that, believe me. And his planeteers? The worst. No Americans. Sad! A kid from Africa? A kid from Asia? Give me a break. They’re all going to be American. Soon, very soon. That I can tell you.
“I invited him to one of my great dinners. And, quite frankly, he choked. He didn’t want to come, and he choked like a dog. Superman didn’t choke when I invited him. Batman? I know Bruce very well. We’re going to unleash the power of America, and we’re going to do the environment. Very strongly.”
Zeldin accused Captain Planet of years of criminal activity, including trespassing, sabotage, and “vigilante justice against job creators.” According to one Fox News report, he single-handedly disabled a fracking site in Oklahoma, leaving an oil CEO so demoralized he retired early and “never recovered financially.”
Captain Planet, in a statement from an undisclosed location, called the warrant a “gross abuse of power” but vowed to continue his mission. “You can’t arrest the power of nature,” he said. “The power is yours!”
At press time, Captain America had been shot down while flying over one of the United States’ more than 1,300 superfund sites, and was being held in a prison made of plastic straws.
