BANGKOK — Desperate to increase its flagging programming options without investing any money, ESPN Star Sports has started broadcasting what it calls the “hottest sport on earth”: bargirls, regular patrons, and shit-faced groups of friends taking turns riding the mechanical bull on the third floor of Nana Plaza.
The program is covered on-site at the Carnival go-go bar by ESPN Star’s Asian X Games crew, who apply their unintelligible terminology to promote the maneuvers of the “incredible athletes” at this “intense competition,” while ignoring the lack of uniforms, muscle tone, or comprehensible scoring system.
In the first airing of the new program, host Andre Deedranio used the phrases “little cross-grab,” “double fakey,” and “wow, a triple switch out” to describe 23-year-old bargirl Oil’s inaugural 125-second ride. He then touted her as “an out-of-this world talent who could dominate the competition this year.”
Deedranio lost none of his enthusiasm when Oil was followed by Brian McFadden from Portsmouth, who was visibly drunk with an exposed gut. As McFadden began to lose control after only 12 seconds, Deedranio shouted, “Whoa! McFadden clearly isn’t on his game today! He’s gonna bail!” After he was tossed into a pathetic heap in front of laughing friends, Deedranio said, “That pretty much sums up McFadden’s day.”
When two topless bargirls then jumped on the bull and rode it together, Deedranio paused before exclaiming, “This ride is out of control! Look at these two let it all hang out. This is what this competition is all about.”
The girls then faced each other and rode the bull with their breasts pressed against each other, prompting Deedranio to yell, “Oh, a goofie frontside grind! They are just not holding anything back today. The judges have got to be impressed.”
The half-hour segment ended with Portsmouth’s McFadden taking off his shirt and climbing back on the bull for “his second run of the competition.”
Without losing a beat, Deedranio announced, “He’s back at it and clearly has a point to prove. He’s got to do much better this time around to have a shot at medaling.”
After 40 seconds, McFadden attempted to stand up on the bull and holler to a bevy of bargirls soaping each other’s bodies on a small revolving platform off-camera, to which Deedranio announced, “Look at McFadden go! He is an animal out there. He’s going for a fahrvergnügen 180!”
The new “Ride the Bull” program is set to air every night from 11:00-11:30 pm.
