BANGKOK – Claiming the need to quickly resolve the current civil unrest, the Royal Thai Army today announced the hiring of an outside specialist who said he was “the Lord of the Wasteland.”
The newly appointed General Humongous was introduced at a press conference by Army spokesperson Col Sansern Kaewkamnerd, who praised Humongous’ experience in attacking fortified settlements.
“Humongous knows how to jump over barricades using modified motorized vehicles,” Sansern said. “Also, he commands a trained regiment of armored personnel whose bizarre appearance and loud screams can strike terror into the hearts of any insurgents.”
With his appointment as the new head of the Centre for the Resolution of Emergency Situations (CRES), Humongous has authority to direct the new anti-red campaign, including deciding when and how to disperse the protestors. In a short press conference with reporters, Humongous insisted that he intended to offer the reds a non-violent solution first.
“There has been too much violence. Too much pain. But I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give me your pump, the oil, the gasoline, and the whole compound, and I’ll spare your lives. Just walk away and we’ll give you a safe passageway in the wastelands. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.”
However, upon learning that the red leadership had turned down his offer, Humongous stated that force was the only option left.
“I am gravely disappointed. Again you have made me unleash my dogs of war,” he said.
At approximately 9pm Humongous was seen assembling his specially trained motorized armored division on Silom Road for what appeared to be a direct assault on the red barricades next to Lumpini Park.
“Smegma crazies to the left! The gate! Gayboy berserkers, to the gate!” he said.
