BANGKOK – The entire world outside of Thailand, which was previously shown to be working for deposed Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra in a grand conspiracy to destroy the monarchy and Buddhism, was revealed today to be in fact the complete opposite, totally and unconditionally supporting the 2006 coup, the PAD seizure of Bangkok’s airports, and Thailand’s unconditional exemption from the universal rules of democracy as it seeks righteous peace and harmony.
Professor Stephen Young, a white man who therefore represents all white countries, especially the all-powerful United States where he is from, and who furthermore has a doctorate in something Asian-related, and is therefore smarter than everyone in the world without a doctorate, especially those red-shirted people who are too blind to see that Thaksin Shinawatra was a cynical and exploitative closet republican, granted an exclusive interview to NTN’s sister publication The Nation in which he graciously explained at length why the yellow-shirts are right and everyone else is lying.
“The communists have elections. Stalin had elections. Hitler had elections,” the credible-looking, well-dressed man said, offering a context-less soundbite for rabid Thaksin-haters who desperately needed legitimacy to their continued denial of his serial election victories. “(Thaksin) used the government and politics in many ways to make himself wealthy,” the soft-spoken and polite man went on, generously neglecting to mention parallels with both the patronage system itself and the wealth-accumulation method of every Thai leader since 1932 except Chuan.
More importantly, the serious and educated professor provided a statistics-free anecdote about his own travels upcountry over the decades, proving once and for all that the impoverished Thaksin supporters are not only lying about their need for progressive politics, but about being poor at all: “When I hear the red shirts say there’s a gap between Bangkok and (upcountry), I think it’s ridiculous.” According to Professor Young, whose father knew His Majesty the King and is therefore to be trusted in all matters, “today there’s electricity, flush toilets, hot water and ATM machines (upcountry).”
The good professor, who attended big-name schools that hi-so parents send their kids to, and is therefore wise, went on to permanently put the violent, disruptive, and economy-damaging PAD seizure of the airports in 2008 in its proper myopic, emotionally biased view, describing it as a “peaceful sit-in.” It can only be assumed now that all professors from all big-name schools with fancy degrees who study things, and know other things, completely agree with Dr. Young so that no more debate on the topic is necessary ever again.
Paranoid isolationists will take great heart that the man, who is terribly old and therefore to be respected, took the time to disparage the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Economist, thus making it all the easier to dismiss the writing of award-winning journalists who live in and study Southeast Asia as ignorant meddling from outsiders who just don’t understand Thailand the way only Thais and good men like Dr. Young implicitly do.
Finally, Dr. Young, who speaks fluent Thai and drops Thai words into his English with proper tones and is therefore a patriot of Thai values, assured the most rabid PAD supporters that blatant racism is acceptable when used against Thaksin. “He’s not really a Thai Thai. He has other ideas in his head. He does not say ‘kreng jai’. He does not think about merit and sin…This kind of thinking to me reflects not Thai Buddhism, but Chinese imperial thinking.”
Right-thinking Thais, now assured of the infallibility of their own simplified, color-coded prejudices and tautological notions about correct Thai values, can continue their half-blind savaging of pluralist government, piecemeal reversal of the 1932 revolution of which they have no recollection or interest, and gushing revisionism of past royalist dictators like Sarit, thanks to the wonderful blanket absolution of this enlightened farang, whose bright yellow tie looks so shiny and neat.
