Pathum Thani – As tens-of-thousands of Thais still trapped by flood waters in Pathum Thani fended off a giant, mutant “croc-zilla”, Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra today assured residents and businesses located in inner Bangkok that they would not be impacted.
Pathum Thani residents who have survived croc-zilla’s attacks say the amphibious beast is 72 metres tall, walks on two legs, has the jaw and tail of a crocodile, breathes fire and has a Medusa-like mane of poisonous green mamba snakes.
“Croc-zilla”, as dubbed by the Thai media, is believed to have destroyed at least 600 homes and torn 300 people to pieces in the last 48 hours. The beast is also said to have ambushed several Red Cross deliveries yesterday and started its own horde of Mama noodles and sanitary napkins.
Dr Seree Supratid, the flood expert attached to ThaiPBS, says it is probable that the monster formed after the small nuclear reactor kept by The Office of Atoms for Peace on Vibhavadi Rangsit leaked radioactive material into flood waters several weeks ago.
“An escaped crocodile inhabiting the stagnant radioactive flood water may have undergone extreme mutations before mating with one of the escaped green mamba snakes,” Dr Seree explained. “What we now see in Thon Buri, this so-called croc-zilla, is probably their offspring.”
In a televised address to the nation, Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra said, “The people of inner Bangkok should be fine. Please stay calm. As for the residents of Pathum Thani submerged under water for the eighth consecutive week and now being terrorized by croc-zilla, please be patient. We thank you for your sacrifice.”
In a separate press conference, Governor Sukhumband Paribatra said he could not guarantee the safety of inner Bangkok from croc-zilla and warned all residents to remain vigilant. Sukhumband said that an electric fence currently being erected by the Army should contain the beast.
“We believe the fence will work. As long as the residents of Pathum Thani do not interfere with its construction, croc-zilla should be contained. By the New Year, the monster will likely be bored of creating carnage there and move elsewhere.”
Crocodile catchers who have been called in to tame the beast have so far found themselves no match for the 200-ton monster. Seven were eaten yesterday while another was incinerated.
The Prime Minister has thus far rejected calls to establish a special operations centre to deal with the monster. “Recent experience suggests this would not be very effectual or good for our international image. So there will be no Croc-zilla Relief Operations Centre, or, err… CROC.”
