As political analysts and pundits speculate about the next four years and Americans experience a renewed sense of optimism, the scientific community says it has projected the only guaranteed outcome of Barack Obama’s first term: “He will look like shit by 2013,” wrote the Federation of American Scientists in a statement signed by 150 of its members and published in the New York Times.
“No matter how we run the simulations, Obama comes out looking about 15 years older, with premature, balding gray hair, deep wrinkles around his mouth and eyes, and several cysts,” the statement said. “It could be rather demoralizing to see the vitality drained from this handsome young man over the next four years, but on the bright side he will have more years to recover than past presidents.”
No president has ever avoided this cruel side-effect of being the president of the United States.
“It may not have been the change everyone is looking for, but it’s the one that’s scientifically certain,” said Dr. Peter Schelling of Beth Israel Hospital in Boston.
