BANGKOK – The long-rumored diminutive size of a high-society man’s penis was finally confirmed last week with the purchase of a Hummer SUV.
Abhiraj Tiruvanamthipuram, the 23-year-old second son and member of an influential Thai-Indian family that owns multiple hotel properties throughout Thailand and Malaysia, finally laid rumors about his small penis to rest with the acquisition of a red 2010 H3X, fully-optioned and imported from the US at a cost of ฿12 million.
“It’s the car I’ve always wanted,” the poorly-endowed Abhiraj said while showing off the bloated, inconveniently-dimensioned vehicle to his friends. “This is the machine that matches me.”
The self-described entrepreneur, who is a part-owner of numerous nightclubs around Bangkok through his father’s investment capital, wasted no time in incorporating the massive, unwieldy car into a prominent representative position in his life, insisting on driving it up and down Ratchada boulevard on Friday night despite dense traffic.
Additionally, Abhiraj refused to take a taxi when his group of friends decided to try a different nightclub just one kilometer down the street, opting instead to waste a full 45 minutes waiting for the Hummer H3 to be brought out of valet parking and personally driven out of the parking lot with the windows down.
To further enforce his now-incontrovertible insecurity about his masculinity, Abhiraj spent an additional ฿1.5 million on an 800-watt stereo system and brightly chromed rims, further enhancing the Hummer’s obvious symbolism as a size-compensator.
“We always knew Abhiraj had something to prove,” said long-time friend Victor Khan. “I mean, he’s always been in his dad’s shadow, and getting dumped by (ex-girlfriend) Denise last year was brutal on him. But with the Hummer, now I can see the real problem.”
Abhiraj insisted that the obnoxiously prominent vehicle was a sensible lifestyle choice.
“I may want to go off-road sometime,” he said, despite never having been off-road in his life. “And it’s good to have a safe car for Bangkok’s crazy traffic,” he added, despite never wearing his seat belt.
“Mostly though, the Hummer reflects my confidence. This is the real me.”
