PHNOM PENH – The governments of the Kingdoms of Thailand and Cambodia signed a historic agreement yesterday, pledging a decade-long mutually beneficial relationship of providing each other with shallow, sensationalist mini-conflicts that would pacify the masses through nationalistic fervor.
The Preah Vihear Headline Generation Treaty, named for the obscure Khmer border temple whose boundary dispute has enabled both governments to survive despite incompetence, is the first such agreement ever signed by the two nations. Under its provisions, the two quasi-parliamentary royalist military states will be permitted complete freedom to vilify the other whenever domestic issues threaten either ruling regime.
The agreement was the surprise result of top-level talks between representatives of the Abhisit government and those of Hun Sen’s CPP party which took place in Phnom Penh over the weekend. The aim of the talks was supposed to settle the boundaries of the disputed Preah Vihear temple. However, during the negotiations it was revealed that neither side actually cared about the temple, the borders, or their nation’s sovereignty, but preferred the priceless PR value of a sensationalist issue that unified voters against a perceived outside threat.
“As it turns out, we actually have much in common with the CPP,” said Thai FM Kasit Piromya. “They need a threatening, powerful Thailand to justify not holding elections after twelve years, and we need a foreign bogeyman with ties to Thaksin Shinawatra to sustain the illusion that suspension of civil rights and a free press is for the good of the nation.”
Hun Sen, who acquired power when his party staged a coup in 1998, said that he hoped the agreement was the beginning of a new era of co-operation between the two pseudo-democracies. “Thailand is one of our biggest trade partners and now we are each other’s resource as well,” he said. “Generating nationalism is a profitable and efficient industry when you have the right partner.”
According to sources, the idea of a pact was first floated in late 2004 when Thai actress Suvanant Kongying made remarks about Angkor Wat being part of Thailand. Although the comments were taken out of context and widely misinterpreted, the resulting anger from Cambodians caused public demonstrations and helped the CPP bury several corruption scandals. However, the 2006 coup in Thailand truncated discussions before a formal agreement could be reached.
The new pact, which expires in 2020 but can be renewed, represents the culmination of four years of hard lobbying by Cambodia, which needed a new fake enemy after decades of vilifying the Vietnamese. According to Hor Namhong, Cambodia’s foreign minister, Thailand’s vast military superiority made them a much more versatile villain.
“Even Cambodians know that Vietnam isn’t going to attack us,” he said. “But Thailand, with its US-made fighter jets? We spread rumors of an air strike and the streets are empty. It’s fantastic.”
Despite Cambodia’s complete military impotence, Kasit insisted that they still made a perfect bogeyman for the Thai public. “Thais may not be very xenophobic, but they are consistently elitist and racist,” he explained. “All we have to do is suggest that Cambodia is infringing on our sovereignty and before you know it, there’s 100 Facebook pages called ‘Fuck Filthy Cambodians.’ No one even talks about elections.”
The Preah Vihear Headline Generation Treaty also provides for the creation of a bilateral creative committee to brainstorm new international incidents between the two nations, as well as design media strategies to implement the news for maximum generation of frothing, patriotic anger.
Although neither side would reveal details of upcoming events, rumors suggest that the Thai Navy might “accidentally” sink a Cambodian fishing boat before November, and that Hun Sen would be spotted in Paris having lunch with Pojaman Shinawatra.
“We’ve got lots of exciting distractions coming up, thanks to our Cambodian friends,” said Kasit. “That is, I mean, our dark-skinned, treacherous, Cambodian enemies.”
