Bangkok, Thailand – Thai authorities today concluded a ten-year investigation into the mysterious disappearances of democracy monuments across the kingdom unveiling findings that stretched the imagination: The culprit is none other than the world’s most infamous international landmark thief, Carmen Sandiego.
The Royal Thai Police made the announcement at a packed press conference, presenting their case against Sandiego with “irrefutable” evidence. “For years, we have been piecing together the puzzle of who could have removed these monuments without a trace,” said Police Major General Phichit Prasertkit, somehow delivering the statement without visibly rolling his eyes.
The press conference was flanked by members of the army, representatives from the Ministry of Historical Revisionism, and an unidentified man wearing sunglasses indoors, whose sole contribution was nodding solemnly at random intervals.
“After years of exhaustive investigation that mostly involved games of strip poker in the basement of the police station, periodically rifling through mislabeled evidence boxes, and deliberately misinterpreting witness accounts, we have developed a case that almost definitely pins the blame on Carmen Sandiego,” Prasertkit continued, briefly choking on his words before quickly clearing his throat.
The Missing Monuments
The investigation focused on three key disappearances that struck at the heart of Thailand’s democratic history.
- The Democracy Plaque: This small but powerful symbol of the 1932 Siamese Revolution was mysteriously replaced overnight in 2017 with a plaque bearing the cryptic message, “Good citizens do not need democracy.” Despite the clear implications, officials initially dismissed it as a prank. Years later, they now claim Sandiego orchestrated the swap using “advanced psychological warfare tactics.”
- The 1932 Revolution Monument: Once a towering reminder of Thailand’s shift from an absolute monarchy to a constitutional monarchy, the monument vanished overnight under cover of darkness. Locals reported seeing men in military uniforms near the site helping load it into the back of a truck. Authorities dismissed these reports as “irrelevant coincidences” and instead showed the press an obviously AI-generated photo of a red figure walking away from the scene.
- The Buriram Monument: Erected to commemorate Thailand’s first constitution, the pillar is on record as being demolished by bulldozers and bucket loaders in broad daylight in 2014. Neighbors recalled seeing dump trucks hauling away the rubble, while army officers in municipal safety vests casually smoked cigarettes, and watched. “Classic Sandiego misdirection,” an officer claimed, shaking his head in awe. “She probably wore a government-issued uniform as a disguise. We never would have thought of that!”
When pressed about the glaring gaps in their evidence, officials shook their heads, claiming Sandiego had masterminded the heists by “working within the system.”
The “Irrefutable Evidence”
Authorities presented what they described as “incontrovertible proof” of Sandiego’s guilt. Among the highlights:
- A low-res printout of a red hat listed for sale on Lazada, accompanied by a handwritten note that read, “Maybe she bought this one?” circled repeatedly in crayon for emphasis.
- A “topographical analysis” consisting of a map of Thailand with random circles drawn around major cities and the caption, “She could be anywhere.”
- A Ziploc bag containing dirt alleged to be from one of the crime scenes. “We haven’t tested it, but it looks suspicious,” one officer said.
Interpol, when contacted about issuing a Red Notice, replied, “Are you kidding? We’re dealing with actual crimes here, and you hand us this nonsense? Who authorized this? I’ll have your badge! Carmen Sandiego is from a TV show.” Interpol representatives closed their statement by saying, ‘Please stop emailing us about this.’
Replacement Monuments
With the original democracy monuments gone, the government revealed plans for replacements that “better reflect modern Thai values.” The statues, already being erected include:
- A golden statue of an anonymous general pointing vaguely into the distance, symbolizing Thailand’s eternal march toward an unclear future.
- An empty pedestal labeled “The Power of Absence,” intended to inspire reflection on what happens when you ask too many questions.
- An animatronic army officer on a rotating platform, saluting continuously in all directions.
Press Reactions
The Thai press wasted no time diving into the government’s claims, with initial coverage framing the Carmen Sandiego investigation as a matter of national urgency. One prominent newspaper ran the headline, “Carmen In Red: Communist Affiliation, or Just Poor Fashion Choice?” while news anchors speculated breathlessly about whether or not she was mentally ill. One televised debate featured a panel of anchors analyzing Sandiego’s alleged movements through Bangkok.
“She would’ve had to navigate Sukhumvit Road during rush hour,” said one anchor. “No way she got away quickly.”
“Carmen Sandiego is a master thief,” countered another. “She probably used the motorcycle taxi lanes. Those guys can get anywhere.”
In a moment of clarity, another panelist hesitantly asked, “How would she have transported the monument on the back of a motorcycle taxi?” to which the other members blinked awkwardly, before laughing off the question and then moved on to speculate about the amount of reward money the government would eventually offer.
One tabloid speculated Sandiego might be hiding in a Thai cave system, adding, “If she has a red hat and snacks, she could survive there indefinitely.”
The Foreign Correspondents’ Club of Thailand (FCCT), instead of immediately dismissing the theory as propaganda and re-airing contemporaneous accounts to remind viewers of the monuments’ removal by the government, spent hours painstakingly debunking every element of the government’s story. Their presentation included a segment titled, “Carmen Sandiego Is A Fictional Character,” complete with slides of her animated depictions and book covers. “We’ve confirmed that she’s not real,” said one exasperated journalist. “Can we go back to covering actual news now?”
Meanwhile, a correspondent from NotTheNation was reportedly abducted en route to the press conference and hasn’t been seen since.
Public Reactions
The government’s announcement has sparked a mix of disbelief and mockery. “This is ridiculous. It’s like, ‘Prayuth, bro, we know you stole our monuments,” said a street vendor, who declined to be named for fear of being asked to, ‘Come with us, please.’”.
Social media quickly filled with memes of Sandiego strolling casually through iconic Thai landmarks, accompanied by captions like, “BRB, just borrowing this.”
Government Promises More Control
At press time, Thai authorities doubled down on their commitment to public order, insisting the thefts demonstrated an urgent need for expanded surveillance powers and reduced government accountability, vowing to implement a police state where previous hindrances like personal privacy, legislative oversight, and judicial review would no longer obstruct police investigations from identifying who the real criminals were.
