BANGKOK — For the first time in modern history, Thailand is experiencing a truly novel crisis: there isn’t one. Under the leadership of Prime Minister Paetongtarn Shinawatra, the government has, miraculously, completed 100 days of uninterrupted stability. This improbable achievement has thrown the nation’s most seasoned chaos experts—coup plotters, crisis-loving expats, and scandal-hungry commentators—into a state of existential despair.
“I just don’t understand it,” lamented General Pana Klaewplodthuk, absentmindedly polishing his ceremonial sword while his 12-year-old daughter quizzed him on her geometry homework. “We’ve run through all the usual excuses for a coup: corruption, incompetence, mysterious but definitely incriminating documents. Nothing sticks. I even tried saying Paetongtarn’s hair is ‘too modern’ for a leader. But no one cared! What are we supposed to do—run a country without seizing it every six months?”
Military Desperation
Sources close to Army HQ reveal the situation has become dire. General Klaewplodthuk described one recent strategy meeting as particularly desperate. “Paetongtarn was out of the country recently,” he explained, “so there was a strong push from Charoenchai [Hinthao] and Songwit [Noonpakdee] to just write down anything vaguely damning on a sheet of paper, spill some coffee on it until it was illegible, and send it out as a press release. We figured the media would turn the smudges into a scandal, and we’d just nod along. But even that didn’t work. Now we’re brainstorming ideas like, ‘She looked too cheerful in Singapore.’ It’s humiliating.”
Even Thailand’s infamous network of political bookmakers is reeling. “We had 4:1 odds on a scandal by week 10 and 3:1 on tanks in the streets by the end of month two,” said an anonymous bookie, puffing anxiously on a cigar. “But stability? Smooth governance? We had to offer 100:1 just to make it interesting! Now some college kid is cashing in a million baht because he ‘felt a good vibe from Paetongtarn’s Instagram.’ I’m ruined.”
Expats in Disarray
For Thailand’s expat community, the stability has been nothing short of disastrous. These self-styled chroniclers, merchants, and storytellers had long thrived on the nation’s political chaos, weaving drama into dollars. Now, with Paetongtarn’s government delivering a rare stretch of calm, many are scrambling to adapt.
John Preskowitz, a YouTuber whose channel was dedicated to breathlessly chronicling Thailand’s political turmoil, says his subscriber count has plummeted. “I used to upload videos daily, warning about coups, military purges, and constitutional crises,” he said, gesturing toward his dusty vlogging equipment. The lack of content has left him contemplating other options. “Now what am I supposed to do? Everyone has moved on to following the civil war in Burma. I even applied for a visa there, but my application was rejected,” he added with a sigh.
Preskowitz isn’t the only expat struggling. Mark “Mango” Sutter, a long-term resident of Pai, has seen a sharp decline in sales of his wife’s handmade trinkets. “Tourists used to eat up my stories about military raids and junta-backed land grabs,” he said, pausing to adjust the seat on his custom Ducati. “I’d tell them, ‘Buy this keychain and save our family from being thrown into a secret prison!’ It was a great pitch. But now? No one’s interested. Where’s a coup when you need one?”
Even Etsy entrepreneurs like California-based Cassie Everett have found themselves caught off guard. Cassie had built a lucrative business selling hair clips, claiming they were handcrafted by oppressed Karen tribespeople on the brink of losing their land to military-backed gold mining operations. “It was a brilliant story,” she admitted, lowering her voice. “Of course, I actually imported them from Cambodia. But still, it worked.”
With Paetongtarn’s government funding schools, installing running water, and building roads for the Karen communities, Everett’s narrative has fallen apart. “The urgency to help them by buying from me is gone,” she lamented. “Now my customers are buying baskets from war-torn Sudan. How can I compete when some NGO is showing videos of starving children?”
For expats who thrived on tales of instability, Thailand’s newfound calm has been a wake-up call—and not the good kind.
TV Pundits Turn to the Stars Amid Political Stability
Thai television pundits, long accustomed to dissecting the daily scandal or coup attempt, are floundering for content. Channel 8 recently resorted to inviting astrologers to explain the Prime Minister’s uncanny success. “It’s all about her Virgo Mercury,” explained famed astrologer Pattawan Mekdusadeerome. “But beware—Saturn is entering her third house, and that could spell trouble. Or maybe not. Who knows? Please keep watching after the commercial break.”
However, Mekdusadeerome offered a note of caution: “As lucky as she has been, she needs to be cautious as Saturn, the planet of challenges, moves into a key alignment with her natal placements—potentially signaling a period where hidden tensions surface and her ability to manage pressure will be tested.”
Other networks have followed suit, featuring segments where numerologists analyze the government’s birth date and tarot readers predict the political future. One particularly creative program employed feng shui experts to assess the energy flow in Government House, concluding that the strategic placement of potted plants could be the key to continued harmony.
Dr. Somchai Rungsan, Chair of the Political Studies Department at Thammasat University, noted the shift with bemusement. “We’ve always taught that stability in Thai politics is like snow in Bangkok: theoretically possible but utterly improbable,” he remarked. “Now, instead of analyzing the anatomy of a coup, we’re analyzing Saturn’s transit.”
Stability’s Unintended Victims
As the reality of stability sinks in, Thailand’s usual political theater-goers—expats, military elites, and grifters—are confronting an unthinkable truth: they’ve run out of excuses for their own stagnation. The generals now face the prospect of retirement without ever holding the reins of power again. YouTubers might be forced to pivot to creating well-researched historical content—a shift as unsettling to them as it is to their audiences. And the expats who had long relied on the looming specter of a military government as a convenient excuse to avoid learning Thai are now left without a scapegoat.
Perhaps the most poetic irony comes from the very institutions that once thrived on instability. Crisis managers are facing redundancy. Protest-slogan printers are filing for bankruptcy. Even the street vendors who sell T-shirts during demonstrations report a severe decline in sales. “No coups, no protests, no tourists panicking—who’s going to buy my ‘Down with the Junta’ shirts now?” lamented one vendor.
At press time, astrologers on a popular morning talk show declared that Paetongtarn’s Jupiter return might bring “unprecedented prosperity to the nation.”
