NAKHON PATHOM— Various criminal elements across greater Bangkok expressed concern this week over how to deal with Nakhon Pathom’s newest police officer, Pol Col Nakhonpathom Plod Phai—particularly when it comes to offering a bribe.
The AI-powered Royal Thai Police officer was first deployed during this year’s Songkran Festival and has since been assigned regular shifts with Provincial Police Region 7. Despite his imposing frame and real-time facial recognition, locals are still unsure how to approach him with the usual “arrangements.”
“Honestly, it makes me nervous,” said Witthaya Rattanapong, 51, chao pho of the Nakhon Pathom Van Operators group. “How do I work with this guy? He doesn’t have a wife, girlfriend, or even a mistress I can ask about to get things rolling. No kids, either—so I can’t offer to make any tuition payments. Seriously, how are we supposed to build rapport when I can’t even tell if he’s looking at me?”
Witthaya explained that his family-run criminal enterprise operates gambling dens, protection rackets for restaurants, land and construction deals, and “a little drug work, when needed.”
“For every one of those activities, we’ve built relationships with the local cops,” said an underboss. “They know when to pick up, what the cut is, and which favors are okay to ask for on top. On our end, we know who’s coming, how they take delivery, and whether they prefer cash or gold.”
“This new guy?” he added. “What the hell am I supposed to do if he shows up? Offer him joint lubricant?”
Other residents are equally unsure how to navigate the new officer’s presence.
“I have a bit of a leadfoot, so I’m always getting pulled over for speeding,” said Pimnara “Ging” Worasetthakul, 38. “I’ve never been ticketed, though. As soon as the officer gets out of the car, I’m already unbuttoning my blouse and fluffing the girls. Older officers love a bit of inner thigh, and I’m happy to hike my skirt up—it’s kinda thrilling, actually.”
Pimnara says that after batting her eyelashes and casually playing with the hem of her skirt, most traffic cops get real wide-eyed, ask her to pay attention to the speed limit, and awkwardly walk back to their cruisers.
“But this new guy?” she said. “Is he gonna ogle my tits while pretending not to? Does he care if I flash him a little pantyline? I’ve given handies to get out of DUIs, but I doubt this tin bastard even has balls to cup.”
Bar and nightclub owner Thirawat Jongsuwanit, who runs an underground boxing ring on weekends out of his venue in Ratchada, says he’s worried the cyborg might not understand the culture of mutual benefit.
“Yeah, we get cops in here all the time. They get a cut of the take, make a few bets, drinks on the house, then back out for their patrol. It’s win-win. They get a thrill, and I get cover. But this robocop? I bet he doesn’t even know how to hedge a double-slip when your guy’s in the tank for a third-round dive but comes out swinging in the second. How could I ever put my trust in him?”
Dr. Rapeephat Khunwichian, a criminal underworld historian and part-time coke dealer, says the cyborg’s arrival has sent ripples of anxiety through all layers of society. “It’s not just the gangsters and pimps who are sweating,” she said. “It’s the school principals who lease out the gym for cockfighting. It’s the subdistrict clerks who charge a ‘fast-track fee’ for death certificates. Even that guy who’s been building a five-story condo with no permit and only one safety cone says the robot emailed him a demolition order before he even finished the stairwell.” According to Dr. Rapeephat, people aren’t afraid of justice—they’re afraid the robot won’t understand how Thailand works. “If this thing won’t take a fruit basket full of whisky and 500-baht notes, then frankly, we’re fucked,” she finished, as she lifted her face up from a small, square mirror.
Across the city in Huai Khwang District, a mid-level 14K Triad operative admitted, “How do you show respect to a guy who doesn’t eat, drink, gamble, or take selfies with celebrities? I tried offering him a Hello Kitty flash drive. He flagged it as a potential weapon.”
At press time, Police Colonel Nakhonpathom Plod Phai had reportedly changed his settings to Grand Theft Auto Cop Mode, and was last seen chain-smoking, pocketing cash from the evidence room, and asking a karaoke hostess what time she got off work.
