SANTO DOMINGO – Former Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra, perpetually scheming for a dramatic return to power, has touched down in the Dominican Republic for a tête-à-tête with none other than Boris Johnson, the UK’s favorite headline generator and occasional former prime minister.
“When I heard Boris might be plotting a comeback, I knew I had to fly down here and get his tips on resilience, or, as I call it, the art of refusing to take a hint,” Thaksin told reporters, grinning as he stepped into a waiting car.
Thaksin, now 73, has spent the better part of two decades as a master of political hide-and-seek, following his ousting in Thailand’s 2006 military coup. He remains a polarizing figure—adored by some, reviled by others, and occasionally spotted at swanky international destinations sipping cocktails while plotting his next move.
For his part, Boris Johnson greeted Thaksin warmly—or at least in the hazy, jovial way one greets unexpected visitors during a rum-fueled beach vacation. Draped in a sun-faded Hawaiian shirt and holding what appeared to be a piña colada served in a hollowed-out pineapple, Johnson seemed unfazed by the presence of another political exile in his midst.
A Tale of Two Prime Ministers
“We’re both men of the people,” Thaksin mused during their meeting. “I revolutionized healthcare for the poor. Boris rode around in a bus, boldly leading from one self-generated crisis into the next, while trying to figure out how to restart the British economy after he unplugged it. How is it that his people want him back so badly? Clearly, I could learn a lot from him.”
Over cocktails, Thaksin reportedly pressed Johnson for advice on navigating public opinion, dodging scandals, and leveraging voter nostalgia. “You’ve got a knack for making people forget what you did last week, let alone last year,” Thaksin said, apparently taking notes as Johnson absentmindedly doodled a bus on a napkin.
Boris Being Boris
Sources close to the former UK prime minister claim Johnson was, at first, unclear about who Thaksin was or why he was there. “Does he want to join the Tories?” Johnson was overheard asking a waiter.
Later in the evening, however, Johnson became more animated, allegedly outlining a comeback strategy that involved “charming incompetence,” “just enough Latin phrases to sound posh,” and “showing up with a scruffy dog and a bicycle for bonus relatability.”
Later that morning, while dressed in an open bathrobe and dry swimsuit, Mr. Johnson was spotted carrying a half-empty bottle of Relicario, and yelling into a cell phone. Rumors suggested that the former prime minister of England was attempting to undermine bids for his old job from competing MPs, Rishi Sunak and Penny Mordaunt, but front desk sources confirmed that Mr. Johnson was simply trying to have the chicken tenders removed from last night’s dinner bill.
At press time, the former prime minister was said to have summoned his private jet to take him back home to meet with the king.
