WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has officially granted Donald Trump Jr. a special hunting permit to pursue any one of the critically endangered Thundercats on the planet of Third Earth, according to a press release.
Trump Jr., an avid outdoorsman and professional failson, has already notched successful hunts of Steelwill of the SilverHawks, Gruffi Gummi of the Gummi Bears, and even Earl Sinclair of Dinosaurs.
“I love hunting big and exotic game,” said Trump Jr., sniffing audibly. “I’ve taken down all the greats: a Care Bear, a My Little Pony, and a few Smurfs. Got Rinox’s big ol’ head mounted right in my living room, and my tauntaun throw rug really ties the place together. So, it’s an honor to receive this permit from my good friend Brian and finally put Lion-O in my crosshairs. Though, between you and me, I wouldn’t mind Cheetara’s pelt on my wall either, if you catch my drift.”
Trump Jr. also bragged about having once eaten steaks made from Moo Montana and indulged in a bowl of authentic turtle soup made from Michelangelo of the Ninja Turtles.
To ensure a successful hunt, Trump Jr. has chartered a SpaceX shuttle to Third Earth, where he will be guided by noted conservationists Slythe and Monkian.
“President Trump understands that Americans cherish the great outdoors and the right to exercise their Second Amendment freedoms—whether on this planet, Third Earth, or even the forest moon of Endor,” said Fish and Wildlife Director Brian Nesvik, addressing a crowd of carefully screened conservative reporters.
“Finally, a real American is putting these woke cats in their place,” said Fox News guest and self-described hunting expert Chet McGraw, who has never fired a weapon outside of Call of Duty. “These so-called ‘Thundercats’ represent everything wrong with modern culture—diverse, non-traditional family structures, a refusal to wear real pants, and worst of all, they’re led by a guy who literally waves around a sword and shouts ‘justice.’ Sounds like Antifa to me.” McGraw then speculated that Lion-O’s glowing sword was probably solar-powered and part of a secret globalist plot to convince children to hate coal.
Bass Pro Shops has already announced an exclusive sponsorship of the hunt, unveiling a limited-edition ‘Thundera Trophy Kit’ featuring a high-powered scope, a pelt stretcher, and a commemorative MAGA-branded bolt-action rifle engraved with the phrase ‘Make Third Earth Great Again.’ The company also confirmed a special ‘Cheetara Camo’ hunting vest, designed for maximum stealth against fast-moving feline targets. “We’re proud to support ethical, conservation-minded hunters like Don Jr.,” said a Bass Pro spokesperson. “And we look forward to expanding into new markets—whether it’s Third Earth, Eternia, or the Hundred Acre Wood.”
At press time, Trump Jr. was seen sprinting for his life after grossly underestimating Panthro’s ability to fight back.
In related news, Trump Jr.’s hunting permit application to hunt down the Gargoyles was immediately rejected by the Governor of New York state, Kathy Hochul.
