Cupertino, California — Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who weighs the same as a 9-year-old girl, announced today that he will “be back at work in no time.”
The morning press conference was packed with reporters eager to learn more about his apparently declining health, but Jobs was not forthcoming.
“The details are a private matter,” he stated before vomiting profusely into a plastic bag.
As Jobs explained that his condition was “nothing unknown” and “treatable”, he became increasingly irritated. “Shareholders do not have the right to pry into my personal life. It is despicable,” he shouted, while spitting blood into his glass of water.
At the end of the press conference, Jobs refused to field questions from reporters. “I do not have any time left… left today, goddammit…today!” he screamed. Jobs then rose to his feet and left the room, an action that took nearly five minutes and included three falls.
