MOUNT OLIVET, MA — And on the third day back from Martha’s Vineyard, He was feeling uncommonly peckish, and He said unto Himself: “What this moment calls for is a nice, savory crabcake sandwich. With a toasted bun and a tangy remoulade.”
And so, when the women came to find Him, He was not there. Very early, before the morning talk shows, they came to the Oval Office with a selection of sweet organic teas, that they might anoint Obama. And they said one to another: “Who shall roll us back the stone from the door?” And behold: looking, they saw the stone rolled back. For it was very great. And had antique period fittings that Michelle had tastefully restored as part of her recent White House renovation.
As they were astonished in their mind at this, behold, two men stood stiffly by them, in dark suits and sunglasses. And His agents said unto them: “Why seek you the politically dead? Don’t you watch CNN? He is not here. His polls have risen.”
And entering into the office they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed with a white robe and bearing prominent ears: and they were astonished. Who sayeth to them: “Be not affrighted. You seek the Obama who couldn’t even deliver the Olympics. Behold the place where Axelrod made Him pose for that ridiculous photo op with the police officer and the professor and Joe Biden and the light beer.
“But go, tell His political action committee that it is thus as he He spoke: “He was delivered into the hands of Republicans and his job approval rating crucified and in the third quarter of his first year in office He rose again, thanks to those kooky Scandinavian dudes in Sweden or Norway or wherever.
“And now He is seriously jonesing to goeth before you and getteth some Maryland lump crab and possibly an order of curly fries.”
And it was Michelle and Valerie Jarrett and Oprah that were with them, who told these things to the White House staff. And their words seemed as idle tales: the pundits did not believe them. And they went to tell the pollsters, and they too did not believe. And they went to tell the bookies, and they could not believe how much money they were going to lose on this one.
But Emmanuel rising up, ran to the Oval Office and, stooping down, he saw the linen cloths laid on the ground: and went away wondering in himself at that which was come to pass, and why his boss had stopped using the tailor he recommended on Wisconsin Avenue.
And the same hour they found the members of cabinet gathered together, and their junior aides that were with them, saying: “The Obama’s numbers have risen indeed and hath appeared to various consulting agencies.”
Now, whilst they were speaking these things, Obama stood in the midst of them and sayeth to them: “Peace be to you.” And: “Ok, sure, Peace Prize and 1.4 million bucks be to me, but fear not. You’ll get some peace too, eventually.”
They, looking at his white garments and being troubled and frightened, supposed that they were some sort of Muslim thing, which would not be good for PR.
But He showed them his hands and feet, and said: “See, I’m wasting away to nothing with this schedule. Have you here anything to eat?” And they offered him a piece of a broiled fish and a honeycomb, which He assumed was one of those hazing pranks that squirrelly cabinet ministers always like to pull when you’re new and still learning the ropes.
And He said unto them: “Tell my speechwriter to put together something snappy for this Oslo thing. Tell them they can go back to the words which I spoke to you just a few months ago while I was yet campaigning, which are written in the Huffington Post and the other blogs and in that YouTube video with will.i.am, and which I swear to the Big Man Upstairs just won me some phat hardware.”
And He said unto them: “Did I mention that I have a mean hankering for some crab cakes? And a crunchy pickle?
“So go ye into the whole world and preach the daily talking points to every creature. He that believeth and is registered shall be saved: but he that contributeth not shall be condemned. And these signs shall follow them that believeth: In my name they shall cast out incalcitrant committee chairmen. They shall benefit from some kick-ass market research. They shall take up radio talk show hosts: and if they shall drink any deadly thing, or maybe forget to claim a few rental properties on their taxes, or make outlandish appropriations for, say, a social program to provide free transport to high-class hookers from New Jersey, it shall not hurt them. They shall lay their hand upon the sick and pass mediocre health-insurance reform.
Then He told unto them: “So I really have to be making my way out the door now toward that sandwich. I can almost taste the tartar sauce. And I leave the promise of tomorrow and the faith of our fathers and all that stuff upon you: but stay you in the city till you be endued with power from next year’s midterm elections.”
And He led them out as far as Bethesda, and lifting up his hands, He told them that He would not be taking questions. And it came to pass, whilst they gathered, He departed from them and was carried up on a puffy little salmon-colored cloud and whisked away over the Baltimore-Washington expressway, to a table at the back of a charming little hole-in-the-wall called Lillie’s Crab Shack where He sitteth on the right hand of the Godfather of Soul.
George Burns also sitteth there. He was petting Old Yeller. Ban Ki Moon’s grandfather was laughing and slapping the table because someone kept feeding the poor dog kimchee and it gave him gas.
And that nice old guy with the big moustache from the Quaker Oats and life insurance commercials sitteth there too, Wilfred Brimley, even though he supporteth cockfighting and John McCain, but most people don’t know that because they just remember that he used to make oatmeal look really warm and satisfying and say: “It’s the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it.”
And every previous recipient of the Nobel Prize sitteth there, except Yasser Arafat, the question of who’s whereabouts made everyone look down at their sandals and say he was “still in the bathroom.” But after a while no one noticed, because they were all eating the most delicious crabcake sandwiches anyone had ever tasted.
And the risen Obama’s apostles adoring went back into the Capital with great joy. And they were always on “Face the Nation,” or “This Week with George Stephanopoulos,” praising and blessing Him.
Amen.
