GENEVA – The UN World Committee To Save the Planet From Global Warming (UNWCTSPFGW) has put the blame for global warming on monkeys, claiming that if they never evolved into humans then greenhouse gases would have remained under control.
In a groundbreaking report issued at the annual UNWCTSPFGW conference in Geneva yesterday, climatologist Hans von Hansen showed a graph comparing the various stages of evolution with changes in the world temperature. When he put transparencies of the two graphs together on an overhead projector, the 20,000 scientists in attendance gasped.
“I was shocked,” said Michael Stansbury, a climatologist at in Miami, Florida. “Those graphs lined up perfectly.”
The research from von Hansen quickly prompted the UNWCTSPFGW’s secretary-general to divide the scientists into two groups of 10,000 scientists. After two hours of brainstorming, the two groups would each present their conclusions with the understanding that the winning group would receive an extra piece of pizza at dinner.
The first group suggested to the conference a human eradication plan in which all the humans on earth would be methodically killed. However, before every human died, a group of genetic scientists would permanently alter the DNA of monkeys to ensure that they do not evolve into humans again.
“This would ensure that monkeys can no longer cause global warming by evolving into humans again,” said Wolfgang Blitzer, who claimed in an interview later that he bears no relation to the CNN anchor.
The second group recommended that instead of killing all the humans on earth, it would be more humane if all the humans on earth simply acted like monkeys. However, the group’s findings were not unanimous. A minority among the group of 10,000 argued that while it certainly would be good if every human started acting like a monkey, they feared that the increase in demand for bananas would cause rainforests to be cleared and actually contribute to global warming.
The first group countered that bananas actually grow in tropical climates, so this wouldn’t be a problem. But the second group lost the vote, revealing the strength of the first group’s proposal.
Later this week the UNWCTSPFGW will draft a formal proposal for the human eradication plan, which then needs to be ratified by every country.
“Unfortunately, many suspect the administration of US President George W. Bush will reject this proposal,” Blitzer said. “Unless the US gets on board, we’ll never be able to kill all the humans and save the planet.”
