MUKDAHAN — Moments after being sentenced to 26 years in prison for the kidnapping and premeditated murder of his niece, Chaiphol “Uncle Phol” Wipha unveiled a slate of lucrative prison canteen product endorsements. Beneath the gates of Mukdahan Provincial Prison, Uncle Phol stood flanked by his lawyer, celebrity agent, manager, and a row of grinning marketing executives beside a display of items prisoners covet most.
“It is with great pleasure that we announce a new marketing collaboration with Uncle Phol,” beamed Pojjana Paniangvait, Director of Thai President Foods PCL, maker of MAMA instant noodles, gesturing toward a table stacked with Classic Cup Flavors — มาม่า รสต้มยำกุ้ง (Tom Yum Shrimp) and มาม่า รสเย็นตาโฟต้มยำ (Yentafo Tom Yum). “A convicted kidnapper and murderer endorsing our products? You can’t buy this sort of press. This is what made MAMA the undisputed king of prison canteens,” she told assembled reporters, before boarding an Airbus ACH145 helicopter, complete with optional jet black Macassar Ebony wood trim, and wrapped in MAMA branding, before speeding off towards the horizon.
“As I already have celebrity grifting experience endorsing Madi Peach Herbal Tea and VIVY Extra Coffee Cordy Plus off the back of my niece’s death — all while maintaining my innocence — it only makes sense, now that I’m a convicted felon, to continue my proud tradition of partnering with companies unconcerned about their spokesperson being associated with capital crimes,” Uncle Phol said smiling, while carefully pretending to pour hot water over a cup of instant noodles for the cameras.
“I’m really picky about the soup I eat,” said Somsak “Mah Bpen Ba” Kerdnoi, sentenced to 145 years for murdering a family of five, “but when it comes to soups endorsed by a convicted child kidnapper and murderer? I pay attention. I can trust his judgment,” he nodded, while waiting in line to buy the first soup cups with the limited edition collectible foil cover.
“In here, a limited-run noodle packet with a felon’s face isn’t just lunch — it’s an appreciating asset,” said prison canteen market analyst Thanaphol Sritham. “Hang onto a couple, and in six months you can swap them for a fan, a radio, or a week’s worth of handjobs from the guy who runs the laundry.”
At press time, after being repeatedly stabbed for murdering a child and bleeding out in the middle of the yard, Chaiphol regretted not partnering with Med‑Con, Thailand’s largest manufacturer of gauze bandages.
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