BANGKOK – The investigation into the death of David Carradine took a shocking twist today when it was revealed that the former TV star was actively investigating the closely guarded secrets of a Chinese Shaolin masturbation sect during the time of his death.
The news was announced at a press conference by private detectives working on behest of Mr. Carradine’s family, which had maintained all along that the death was neither suicide nor an accident, as the Thai forensics team had initially concluded.
“It appears that Mr. Carradine was involved in a top-secret mission to uncover the greatest secrets of martial-arts masturbation, secrets which could revolutionize the way the world masturbates,” said Walter Polanski, the investigator who cracked the case. “And he was murdered for it.”
According to a full 34-page report given to the press and Thai authorities, Mr. Carradine first developed an interest in the legendary “Thousand Palms” technique of self-gratification when he heard of the legend as a young man during travels through China, where he was traveling as a novice student masturbator. It was in a temple near the base of Wudang Mountain that Mr. Carradine was told that the legend was in fact real, and that a secretive group of Shaolin masturbating monks called the Robed Hands still existed to maintain and protect the Thousand Palms technique.
“The Thousand Palms technique is the holy grail of jerking off,” explained Dr. Min-Guo Chung, a professor of Eastern martial and masturbatory arts and as well as an accomplished wushu practitioner. “There are many versions of the legend. Some say it was given to a monk by a penis-headed dragon in the Shang Dynasty. Others say it was simply developed by the monks later in the Northern School as a way to combat boredom, because there were no girls around. One version even claims that it was a young, skilled martial artist named Wang who was punished by his master for masturbating at night. Wang then rebelled by incorporating his masturbation technique into his kung-fu, eventually creating a way of reaching orgasm that could kill another man.”
Dr. Chung said that if the Thousand Palms technique was still practiced, it would be a secret so powerful that its practitioners would probably kill to protect it. “It is said that the orgasm is so intense and pleasurable that it makes you no longer want to have sex, ever,” he explained. “Legend says that the Thousand Palms masturbation, in the hands of those ill-prepared to handle it, would kill off society and the human race.”
Mr. Carradine, however, was determined to “reveal the ancient secrets to the world,” according to Mr. Polanski. His report details several conversations Mr. Carradine had with friends where he claimed that he was close to finding the source of the Thousand Palms technique, and that its liberation would bring peace and prosperity to a frustrated masturbating world. “David was a believer in the true healing power of the masturbatory arts,” said his brother Keith. “He didn’t believe in the elitist structures and rituals of the Shaolin. He wanted to bring orgasmic power to the common man. That’s the kind of person he was.”
Mr. Carradine’s trip to Bangkok, ostensibly to work on a film, was in fact a cover for his true purpose, which was to find a mysterious “Mr. A” who was supposedly a former member of the Robed Hands but who had been expelled and was now living disguised as a beggar on the streets of Rattanakosin. In the days prior to his death Mr. Carradine traveled extensively throughout the Old Town area on foot, dressed as a vagrant. Based on eyewitness accounts, it is believed that the day before his death he actually found Mr. A, although its is not known how their meeting went.
“Just before he died, he requested three meters of electrical cord,” said the front-desk manager at the Swissotel Nailert where he was staying. “He said it was important.” Both Polanski and Mr. Carradine’s family believe that this suggests that Mr. A had imparted some partial information about the Thousand Palms to David, and that perhaps a second meeting was to be arranged after Mr. Carradine has successfully employed these techniques.
Although hotel security has no record of any other persons entering Mr. Carradine’s room just before the time of his death, the family remains adamant that the Robed Hands were capable of murdering him without drawing attention. “These monks are absolute experts in doing things discreetly,” said Dr. Chung. “A Robed Hand master can, for example, masturbate to completion in four seconds while holding a drink in one hand and a captive bird in the other. Surely such a man could sneak into a hotel room and strangle a 72-year old man.”
Thai police remain sceptical of the claims, and as of yet are not ready to retract or modify their original findings that the former TV star died while attempting a conventional auto-asphyxiation masturbation technique. But the family remains adamant that Mr. Carradine could not possibly have died using such easy self-gratification. “My husband was no ordinary masturbator,” insisted his wife Annie. “He was a heroic masturbator, a champion of masturbation education, and someone who’s passion for masturbation could be seen in everything he said and did. And I just want the world to remember him that way.”
