CLOUD CITY, BESPIN – In a shock development for both US politics and the Rebel Alliance, Vice President Dick Cheney revealed on Monday that he was in fact the real father of Luke Skywalker. The surprising revelation came after a prolonged and dramatic light-saber battle that took place among several large, dark, and empty rooms in the Cloud City complex.
Using his superior mastery of the Dark Side of the Force, the Vice President quickly wore down his less experienced opponent with a series of flying objects and telekinetic manipulation. According to witnesses and corroborated by security-camera footage, Cheney cornered Skywalker on a ledge above the central air shaft and cut off his right hand before telling him “I am your father.”
When asked about the incident, Baron-Administrator Lando Calrissian initially denied that it had taken place at all. Confronted by the leaked security tape footage, he said the matter was a “domestic dispute”, and insisted that it would not interfere with the complex’s functioning or the enjoyment of its guests. Founded by Corellian eccentric Lord Ecclessis Figg, Cloud City is the largest of the airborne Tibanna gas refineries, as well as a high-end vacation resort and entertainment complex.
Skywalker could not be reached for comment, but his publicist Holly May Weston confirmed that his response remained unchanged. “Mr. Skywalker would like to reiterate that ‘Nooooooooooo – That’s IMPOSSIBLE.’”