PAI — A multi-agency task force has assembled in this northern Thai town to cull the foreign tourist population, which predictably spirals out of control around this time every year.
Representatives from the Tourism Authority, the Agriculture Ministry, and provincial and central Bangkok officials have formed a joint task force to manage the unsustainable surge of Australians, Brits, Israelis, Americans, and Dutch—whose relentless, clownish behavior makes daily life unbearable for locals year-round.
“This marks the eighth year the Tourism Authority has intervened to keep Pai’s foreign tourist population at an environmentally sustainable level,” said Tourism Authority Deputy Mrs. Numfhon Boonyawat, gesturing to a chart detailing the dangers of unchecked traveler proliferation.
“Excess tourists lead to extreme competition for vital local resources, such as batik tie-dye sarongs, cheap polished quartz falsely marketed as a ‘healing crystal,’ and competently rolled joints from that one guy on the edge of town,” she explained.
Officials warned of further risks from overcrowding, including a surge in scammers preying on gullible marks, the spread of diseases from unvaccinated Americans, and the baffling inability of tourists to locate or use trash bins.
When asked about the selection process for the cull, Mrs. Numfhon assured reporters that it would be humane and efficient. “Flyers will be posted around town and in guesthouses advertising a free concert featuring Korean-Mexican fusion cuisine,” she said. “The food will contain a powerful sedative, allowing Agriculture Ministry wranglers to scoop them up for transport to an undisclosed location for mass burial. For anyone who somehow misses the concert, we will advertise a free Karen-style coin purse the following morning, complete with a QR code leading them directly to collection points.”
Asked if the ultimate goal was the total eradication of foreign tourists from Pai, the deputy dismissed the idea. “Of course not. We acknowledge that a controlled number of foreign tourists are necessary for the local economy. But let’s be honest—anyone who falls for a free concert scam, or is so cheap they’d scramble for a free coin purse, well… they’re an easily renewable resource.” She emphasized that the cull was not strictly targeting low-income backpackers. “Many cheap foreigners pretending to find nirvana inside a temple would never even see the flyer.”
Pressed further by reporters, Mrs. Numfhon insisted the process would be humane, with members of the medical community on hand to ensure proper procedures were followed.
Advocates opposing the cull were barred from the press conference, though their distant shouts could still be heard inside the venue. Mae Hong Son Governor Ekkawit Meepian later addressed their concerns. “If you haven’t seen how these farang mob the evening street food vendors for sate gai or ping muu, or how they demand medical care after stepping on broken bottles they themselves dropped while drunk, then you don’t know what we’re dealing with,” he said. “I advise you to stand back and let the professionals handle this.”
At press time, officials decided to double the number of tourists to be culled.
