BANGKOK – Following the discovery that the British-made GT200 bomb-detection scanners purchased by various military and state agencies do not actually work as advertised, the government today announced that the responsibility for safe bomb detection would now be entrusted to scientifically-proven local technologies such as fortune tellers, Feng Shui, Buddhist amulets, and small reptiles that provide winning lottery numbers.
“We have tried Western technology and it has clearly failed us,” said Deputy Prime Minister Suthep Thaugsuban. “It is time we acknowledged that Thai technology best fits Thai needs.”
Effective immediately, army checkpoints in the Deep South will be appointed with highly qualified fortune tellers, selected for their ability to make broad, sweeping generalizations about the coming year, and who have a press-friendly talent for providing timely soundbites and claiming retroactive credit for having one out of 10 predictions come true.
“So far we have received over 2,000 applications for the job,” said army chief Anupong Paochinda. “We are confident that these experts in random guessing and relentless self-promotion will fit into Thai military culture very well.”
The DSI will be replacing its scanners with masters in the art of Feng Shui, who will be able to detect the presence of hidden explosives by their clear effect on the flow of “chi energy” in the concealing packaging. Also, the non-harmonious use of postage stamps will be visible on any bombs that insurgents attempt to send by mail.
“Already our Feng Shui experts have told us that our bomb detection center needs a fountain on its west side,” said Pol. Colonel Narat Sawettanant. “This is exactly the kind of hard science that we Thais can be proud of in our life-and-death law enforcement matters.”
In a related grassroots effort to help the people who live in daily fear of bombings, the government will be passing out thousands of bomb-protection amulets to teachers and low-level state administrators in the Deep South, with the expectation that those who wear them will be protected from danger.
“Our research shows that my secretary’s cousin’s wife, who works in Yala and wears an amulet, has yet to be blown up,” said Interior Minister Chaovarat Chanweerakul. “These kind of statistics don’t lie.”
Thailand’s battered tourism industry is also expected to benefit from the switch to proven Thai technology, with Suvarnabhumi Airport’s luggage scanners to be replaced by 220 geckos who are reincarnations of deceased Thais.
As explained by AOT deputy director Narongchai Thanantchangsaeng, “Having passed through the spirit world only to return to Thailand in animal form, these geckos can see into human nature and the future as well. And having died, they will work hard to save lives.”
The total cost of the new technologies will be 350 billion baht, with budget oversight by a committee of persons whose names were not available at press time.
