Hat Yai To Develop ‘Large Waste Collider’ To Process Flood Damage Debris

HAT YAI — Reeling from floods that killed nearly 270 people and left behind an estimated 250,000 metric tons of debris, the Ministry of Higher Education, Science, Research and Innovation has unveiled plans for a “Large Waste Collider,” to be developed by the Crown Property Bureau’s Siam Sindhorn Co.—a real-estate firm with absolutely no technological background—on a 300-billion-baht budget. Designed in theory only, the collider will allegedly accelerate household waste, broken appliances, uprooted trees, and miscellaneous flood-soaked debris through a 27-kilometre vacuum tunnel before smashing them together at near light speed, where, according to planners, “the trash will either vaporize, implode, or enter a parallel dimension where someone else becomes responsible for it.” Engineers declined to explain the physics involved, citing “royal prerogative” and “the need to maintain public confidence.” Princess Siriwanwaree, appointed to lead the initiative, assured residents that containment failures would be “statistically unlikely” and that any resulting miniature black holes would “mostly stay underground.” Meanwhile, city officials noted it would take over a year for Hat Yai’s existing incinerator—capable of handling just 500 tons per day—to process the current waste. According to anonymous sources, Siam Sindhorn immediately spent the entirety of the 300 billion baht budget on ultra-premium condos, luxury jetliners, and mega yachts, while discreetly hiring a few local haulers for 20,000 baht to just shove all the trash directly into the Gulf of Thailand.