BANG NA – The massive flooding crisis in central Thailand came to an abrupt end when all flood-related problems were solved virtually overnight by the opening of a new IKEA branch in the Bangkok suburb of Bang na.
The long-anticipated home furnishings and accessories store proved to be a surprisingly well-stocked source of everything that was in short supply in flood-ravaged provinces, including an apparently endless supply of “DRYCK” drinking water, “RIS” rice in 20-kilo bags, and small, navigable boats made of MDF and easily assembled using just a hex-key tool and the provided, easy-to-read instructions.
“The government promised me a boat but never delivered,” said Maneewat Poravitboonsern, a shop owner from Nakhon Sawan whose house has been flooded since early October. “But after I took the free shuttle to IKEA, I found a boat on sale there. It works great,” he added, referring to the “VATTERNOSK” 3-man boat he bought for only ฿999.
In addition to an estimated 30,000 boats sold in its opening weekend, IKEA has also sold 240,000 “HJALPME” relief kits, which contain a self-winding LED flashlight, 10 tea candles, a tin of low-sugar organic biscuits, and a pack of dehydrated Swedish meatball powder. Many of the packs were purchased in bulk by various relief agencies which grew tired of waiting for supplies through normal sources.
“We’ve been unable to help as many people as we wanted because of disrupted supply chains,” said Marian Lepner, a director at the Thai Red Cross. “Fortunately, everything we needed was at IKEA.”
Lepner added that the Red Cross and other agencies had also bought thousands of “KONST” art kits for children in evacuation centers, numerous “RENGORAVATTNA” water purification systems, and 30 truckloads of “BAKTERIE” mold-disinfection systems.
“I can’t believe a 3-stage water filtration system is only ฿99,” she said. “And with such a pleasing design.”
Rumors that the government and military were also shopping at IKEA to compensate for their own shortages were confirmed when the FROC started distributing food packages clearly labeled with the IKEA logo from their relief centers. The brightly packaged “FODA” boxes contained smoked salmon in chive sauce, a flaky butter croissant, and a dessert of cheesecake with lingonberry sauce.
A spokesperson for the military declined comment on whether the Army was officially using IKEA as a supplier, but uniformed military personnel were also spotted at IKEA on Saturday loading trucks with large numbers of “FLOTEVAJA” life jackets, “SNARJA” snake traps, and “SANDVASKA” sandbags.
Along with emergency supplies, thousands of Thais also swarmed into IKEA over the weekend to replace material goods damaged by the floods.
“I bought an entire living room set for only ฿2999,” said Veerakorn Sachinsakun, a rig worker for PTT whose house was inundated with 50 cm of water. “And with my new “PUMPA” water pump, this “VAKUUM” disinfection system, and the new “GOLVA” floor,” I’ve practically got a new house.”
Worawin Dharamniva, a small business owner, went even further. “Our whole house was ruined,” she said. “So we bought a new one,” she added,” indicating her new 90-square meter “BOSTAD” two-bedroom modular house, which her husband was loading onto their new “LASTBIL” pickup truck.
Even Thailand’s foreign investors found good news at IKEA, with the super store’s new line of sleek, modernist factory equipment.
“I was sure that we’d have to shut down operations for at least six months,” said Matzukoshi Koizumito, operations director at Thai Honda Limited. “But IKEA, as it turns out, had 35 “RINGELDNING” robot-automated multi-point arc-welding machines for sale, as well as 17 “SMINKMALA” metallic paint spray applicator bays.”
“I had no idea they even carried heavy industry plant equipment,” he added.
With IKEA handling so much of flood relief and supply, it has been rumored that the government may substitute its flood compensation plan with pre-paid IKEA gift cards. At press time the FROC declined comment on this and other rumors that the organization would soon relocate from Suvarnabhumi to the IKEA food court, or that IKEA would also be sub-contracted to rebuild Thailand’s entire irrigation, drainage, and water-management system.
“There is no reason to believe that Thailand needs outside help to manage its water systems,” said a visibly agitated Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra. “While we appreciate IKEA’s assistance with certain shortages, the future of the kingdom cannot be purchased from a catalog.”
Meanwhile, Bangkok governor Sukhumbhand Paribatra admitted that the BMA has purchased two “LUCKASLUSS” replacement sluice gates for the Bang Sue canal, as well as three dozen “AVLOPPSROR” industrial-strength pumping stations from IKEA.
“They were so cheap,” he said. “Why shop anywhere else?”
