Naypyidaw – In what analysts are calling a “silly waste of time” the military government of the country sometimes referred to as “Myanmar” announced today it would pursue legal action against the satirical website NotTheNation (NTN) for its refusal to conform to modern usage of the country’s preferred name and its continued insistence on referring to the Southeast Asian nation as “Burma” in all its content.
In a press conference at army headquarters, Major General Zaw Min Tun, spokesperson for the ruling junta, accused NTN of a “deliberate and malicious attack” on the nation’s sovereignty.
“For 35 years, we have patiently explained why ‘Myanmar’ is the proper name for our country. Yet, NotTheNation persists in using ‘Burma,’ undermining our authority and harming our global image,” Zaw Min Tun declared. “This is not satire; it’s slander. We demand compliance, and if they refuse, we are prepared to take them to the International Court of Justice.”
Zaw then introduced a representative from their legal counsel, international law firm Foley Hoag. Senior attorney Lawrence Martin sternly addressed the media: “NotTheNation’s behaviour is not just inappropriate—it’s actionable. They are perpetuating an outdated name associated with colonial oppression and refusing to respect the will of Myanmar’s legitimate government. We look forward to presenting our case in The Hague.”
NTN’s Scathing Response
When reached for comment, NTN’s managing editor, who identified himself only as “Bobby” and appeared to be sipping whiskey during the phone interview, offered a blunt rebuttal.
“First of all, we didn’t even know Burma had lawyers, so props to them for figuring that out,” Bobby said. “Second, this is the dumbest lawsuit we’ve ever heard of, and we once got sued by a guy who thought satire meant we owed him free coffee. The generals are salty because other big publications like The New York Times and Washington Post jumped on board with the name change from the beginning, and we didn’t. We’re not changing a thing. Burma is Burma. Deal with it.”
Asked why NTN refuses to use “Myanmar,” Bobby replied: “We don’t take marching orders from fascist-cunts that renamed the country as a PR stunt to look inclusive while bombing ethnic minorities. The name ‘Burma’ has historical weight, and frankly, it’s easier to type.”
Junta Accused of Retaliation
NTN staff have reported an uptick in bizarre harassment since the controversy erupted. According to Bobby, “We’ve been spammed with emails threatening legal action, and our comments section is flooded with messages like, ‘MYANMAR FOREVER, BURMA NEVER.’ that we traced to IP addresses on a military base in Yangon. Our janitor also reported his mop was stolen last week. Pretty sure it’s connected.”
The website, however, appears unfazed. Earlier today, NTN added a giant 256-point ‘BURMA’ graphic to its homepage and published an article titled “Burma’s Generals: Suing Their Way to Relevance Since 1989.”
Local Reaction: “We’ve Got Bigger Problems”
On the streets of Yangon, residents seemed perplexed by the junta’s priorities. “Wait, the government is suing some website over the name ‘Burma’? Aren’t we in the middle of a civil war?” said Cho, 29, a fish vendor.
Not everyone was neutral. Suang, 56, a leader in the Karen resistance, was more animated. “I support NotTheNation 100%,” he said, while inspecting an RPG launcher. “Anything that annoys the Tatmadaw is fine by me. I hope NotTheNation wins and renames the whole country ‘Tatmadaw Sucks.’”
See You in Court?
“If the junta thinks they can outlast a website powered by caffeine and spite, they’ve got another thing coming. See you at The Hague—if you can afford the plane tickets,” Bobby added, before disappearing in the vast NTN liquor archives.
Legal experts are sceptical that the case will proceed. “It’s not clear if this is a legitimate lawsuit or just an elaborate cry for attention,” said one international law professor. “Honestly, Myanmar should probably focus on its internal problems rather than picking fights with a bunch of satirists.”
At press time, NTN staff were reportedly considering further escalation. “If they drag us to The Hague, we’ll counter-sue to rename Naypyidaw as ‘Burma City,’” Bobby said. “Honestly, this is the most attention Burma’s gotten in years. You’re welcome, generals.”
