Undisclosed Location — In a move that stunned even the deepest corners of the political establishment, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has reportedly recruited former President George W. Bush and ex-Vice President Dick Cheney to lead a coup against the incoming Trump administration. According to sources close to Pelosi, the duo was chosen for their unparalleled experience in “breaking the law and violating the Constitution” over their eight years in office, which Pelosi believes makes them uniquely suited to the task.
“When you need to drain the swamp, who better than the guys who built it in the first place?” Pelosi was overheard telling her advisors. Clad in a chic Max Mara tactical gear vest and methodically loading 5.56 rounds into an automatic rifle magazine, Pelosi explained that after a thorough review of potential coup leaders, Bush and Cheney were clearly the most qualified. “They know all the best ways to bypass Congress, sidestep the Constitution, and circumvent human rights—skills that might come in handy,” she said, pausing to snap a magazine into a waiting rifle with surprising confidence.
Bush is reportedly holed up in a secret bunker somewhere in Texas, an underground art studio where he’s been painting landscapes and portraits of former world leaders while preparing to “defend democracy.” Meanwhile, Cheney, last seen lurking in the mountain deserts of the West, has adopted a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude about his involvement. “Sometimes you just need a good desert,” Cheney allegedly muttered, “and a lot of plausible deniability.”
Insiders claim Pelosi briefly considered enlisting former President Barack Obama for the job but quickly dismissed him. “I asked him to draft a strategy memo,” Pelosi admitted. “He ended up citing the Constitution like it was a bedtime story, like we’re supposed to follow the rules or something. I had to let him go. My father used to tell me as a little girl, ‘Never send a lawyer to do the job of a war criminal.’”
For now, Pelosi, Bush, and Cheney remain in the shadows, preparing what they call “Operation Enduring Freedom 2.0.” Whether or not the trio can pull off the coup remains uncertain, but Pelosi is confident that between Bush’s ability to mispronounce words and Cheney’s habit of lurking ominously, they just might stand a chance.
“Sometimes, you just have to fight fire with fire,” Pelosi said with a grin, strapping several grenades to her vest.
