BANGKOK — Thai Prime Minister Paetongtarn Shinawatra called an emergency press conference Tuesday evening to address recent high-profile news stories facing the nation.
“Tourists are the lifeblood of the Thai economy,” said the Prime Minister. “We’re trying really, really hard to convince 40 million international tourists to visit Thailand in 2025 for our new promotion, ‘Too Many Tourists: More Than You Thought Possible.’ That just isn’t going to happen if stories like Chinese actor Wang Xing getting kidnapped and forced to work for Chinese scammers in Burma keep going viral.”
The prime minister then downplayed how easily the scam unfolded. “Someone sent him a WeChat message pretending to be a Thai entertainment company, and he came straight away. Who doesn’t check with their agent first? That was fucking stupid. Tourists can avoid being kidnapped if they can just manage to not be a dumbfuck like Xing,” Shinawatra said, facepalming at the sheer stupidity of this absolute-fucking-moron.
“Honestly, it’s not that hard,” she added. “But, I’m worried sick this will end up on true crime podcasts scaring off millions of white women. That’s a real concern.”
According to sources, the PM’s advisors, concerned about the optics of letting the famous Chinese movie star—known as Xing Xing to his fans—get kidnapped under their noses required the urgent need for professional PR damage control. An operative for state security services confirmed they have a roster of influencers and travel vloggers primed to cooperate—either through incentives or thinly veiled threats of arrest—ensuring a steady stream of propaganda emphasizing Thailand’s safety and hospitality. Fresh, curated content would be artificially boosted to dominate social media by afternoon.
To reinforce the narrative, a draft for the “Great Thailand Selfie Challenge Map,” featuring 77 designated selfie stations—from a Chiang Mai elephant sanctuary to the exact noodle stall where a famous K-drama was filmed—was rushed to the Governor’s Tourism Board for final approval. “If tourists are busy pointing the camera at themselves, they won’t be pointing it this mess,” a TAT advisor said, referring to the kidnapping.
Asked if local accomplices were involved, the PM assured the public that the official story was a single Thai taxi driver drove Wang the six hour, 500 kilometre-journey from Bangkok to Mae Sot.
“Since one is close to none, we’ll make sure all national headlines say ‘zero’ Thais were involved to avoid domestic accountability and shift all blame abroad. I’m fine throwing the Chinese under the bus on this. Scammers are useful tools for the Chinese government, too, giving PLA troops an excuse to operate across the border into Burma and influence the ongoing civil war. There’s enough room here for both us and the Chinese to play the victim, and we’re certainly not going to let a crisis like this go to waste.”
When questioned about how much money had to exchange hands for such a swift military response from Burmese rebel groups—especially when hundreds of previous trafficking victims hadn’t motivated Thai Police to do fuck-all to save any of them—the PM estimated it was under 30 million baht but didn’t have an exact figure.
“We’ll be seeking compensation directly from China for that expense. The kidnappers were Chinese nationals, after all.”
Asked if Thais committing crimes abroad would make Thailand liable for compensation, Paetongtarn narrowed her eyes. “Why would you distract me with that? I’m talking about serious issues.”
Transitioning from the kidnapping issue, the prime minister next addressed PM2.5 pollution, stating the government would “ask various ministries to implement new measures and policies.” When pressed for details, she tossed her head, annoyed: “It’s obvious. Why can’t everyone just see what I’m talking about? We’ll add several new layers of bureaucracy. That way, I can claim progress without enough time passing for anyone to notice nothing’s changed. And I can always delay further by asking for an environmental impact assessment, or even commissioning a study to study previous studies.”
Pressed further, the prime minister snapped into the microphone: “Stop burning crops. Or at least burn them somewhere else so the AQI map doesn’t have giant red blotches that make me look incompetent.” She added the government was considering installing giant fans to blow pollution into Cambodia.
Staring down the press, eager to leave after ensuring the focus remained on tourist safety over political accountability, Paetongtarn was caught by a final question.
“Do you have anything to say about the political assassination of Lim Kimya, former member of the Cambodia National Rescue Party?”
“Why would I comment on that?” the prime minister asked, looking annoyed.
The reporter replied, “Well, you seem quite upset a Chinese tourist was kidnapped. This man was shot and killed—”
“Wang Xing is a movie star. We want movie stars to come to Thailand. Lim Kimya’s party was dissolved for treason. We don’t want people associated with treason here. Democracy activists should already know Thailand isn’t a safe place for them. Have people literally forgotten all the activists who have gone missing in just the past 20 years?” she asked, slightly incredulous that the public could forget the steady stream of people who had gone missing.
“But tourism—”
“Tourists should know that as long as they aren’t political activists, they have nothing to worry about. Assassins are professionals; they don’t get distracted chasing every wealthy, light-skinned visitor. If you’re a white girl from Santa Cruz, Sheffield, or Melbourne, you’re perfectly safe here. Didn’t you read the police report? That assassin had one target—Kim Limya. Total professional, honestly—he didn’t even so much as point his gun at anyone else. In fact, we might consider adding him to our off-the-books team. Clearly knows his way around wet work.”
The PM then glanced over her shoulder and spoke to an aide, “Have you found the assassin’s number, yet?”
When another journalist pressed for speculation on who might have hired the assassin, the prime minister dodged. “It’s hard to say. Maybe he had unpaid gambling debts, or was flirting with a neighbor’s wife. Maybe this was just a random attack?”
When the reporter suggested the government of Hun Manet could be involved, the PM grew visibly irritated. “Are you trying to ruin a good thing here? I’ve barely been prime minister for a few months, and you’re already trying to corner me into blaming Cambodia for something we can’t even prove.”
“Actually, there are plenty of reasons to suspect Hun Manet’s administration,” the journalist pressed.
Paetongtarn exhaled sharply. “Look, let’s cut the crap, okay? Southeast Asian governments have mutual security deals to monitor, detain, and occasionally swap dissidents. Most of the time, a democracy advocate disappearing in the middle of the night barely makes headlines. But some high-profile shit like this in broad daylight? Sloppy, sure, but politically useful for me. I can pretend to be outraged and use this as leverage in the maritime dispute over Koh Kood. So don’t fuck this up by pushing me to accuse Hun Manet directly—whether he ordered it or just looked the other way. Really, it’s weird he would give me something this public to use in the upcoming negotiation, but maybe the shooter got ahead of himself. It’s Hun’s problem, not mine.”
This focus on tourist comfort over civic ideals has long shaped the nation’s priorities.
“Thailand thrives on tourism, not democracy workshops. Our economy is built around drawing visitors to pristine beaches, ancient temples, and bustling markets, not drafting constitutions or mentoring human rights lawyers. We aren’t a factory for bills of rights or a training ground for future democratic leaders. Our success depends on making tourists feel welcome and enchanted, not on inspiring political movements or exporting governance ideals. We’re in the business of five-star resorts and postcard moments; there’s no profit in motivating people to think they can make a better world.”
At press time, the prime minister was considering ways to make Thailand unsafe for all journalists who thought asking her pesky questions was a good idea.
