SAN FRANCISCO — Apple CEO Steve Jobs abruptly ended concerns about his declining health by unveiling the “iMortal” exoskeleton at a spectacular product launch at the Worldwide Developers Conference in San Francisco today.
Wearing the exoskeleton, Jobs made a dramatic entrance at the launch by descending from the ceiling and slowly lowering himself to the stage through careful manipulation of the iMortal’s reverse-hydraulic boosters. Investors and Apple fans stood in stunned silence as a gaunt Jobs then announced from the podium: “I am iMortal.”
Through its Intel Core 7 processor and a network of artificial myomere fibres and electromagnetic servomotors attached to all his internal organs and routed through his ganglia, Jobs is now expected to live forever. The exoskeleton also allows him to lift in excess of 5,000 pounds of weight and hurl a car the length of a football pitch.
Jobs said that a team of 200 inventors, technicians and software engineers had been working on the exoskeleton around the clock since his pancreatic cancer diagnosis in 2004. Rumors that the Apple co-founder was working on a new breakthrough product had reached fever pitch in recent months, especially after eyewitnesses spotted Jobs flying in “some sort of space suit” over Cupertino at night.
The effect of the introduction of the iMortal was swift. By day’s end, Apple stocks had risen 1,600% and hundreds of people were queueing outside Mac Stores around the country hoping to be among the first to pick up their own personal exoskeleton. Customers were not dissuaded by the lack of details about its release date, price, or risks.
Graduate student Cynthia Patterson said she was not concerned about the potential safety hazards of connecting the iMortal to her brain and central nervous system. “My friends will be so jealous of my new exoskeleton,” she said. Graphic designer Peter Kloppen said that while he was already in debt thousands of dollars due to his many Apple purchases he would buy the iMortal regardless of price. “I’ll have hundreds of years to pay for it anyway,” he noted.
