Steven Seagal’s Career Found Dead In Bangkok

Rotted corpse possibly a dozen years old; forensics director suspects natural causes

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UDON THANI – The badly decomposed body of US actor Steven Seagal’s Hollywood career was discovered in a hotel room in the Isaan city of Udon Thani this morning. Police uncovered the corpse after investigating reports of a foul smell emanating from room D34 at the Imperial Rose Mansion Residence, a low-budget serviced apartment and homestay hotel.

The actor’s career had been reported missing since shortly after the release of the 1996 action film “Executive Decision,” in which Seagal, who had headlined several successful action films through the 1980s and early 1990s, took on a supporting role to the more bankable star Kurt Russell. Thereafter, sightings of Seagal’s career were occasional and increasingly hard to verify as he starred in a series of lower and lower budget straight-to-DVD films.

Further fueling rumors of the aging, bloated martial arts star’s career death were his concurrent offscreen pursuits, including singing lead in an obscure touring band called Thunderbox and political activism for Native American and environmental causes.

“Once Seagal endorsed his energy drink – Lightning Bolt, I think it was called – we were pretty sure his career was legally dead,” explained Randy Borstein, an assistant producer for Entertainment Tonight, a popular US-based show that tracks the careers of the famous and formerly famous. “I mean we didn’t have official confirmation, but when Thunderbox does a cover of ‘American Pie’ that’s almost as good as a death certificate.”

Since 2003 Seagal’s career had been seen frequenting Bangkok, after filming the low-budget flop Belly of the Beast. Reported sightings included an uninvited arrival at the Bangkok Film Festival, as well as other film events where he would offer interviews to local press and give his phone number to bemused female reporters half his age who appeared to have no idea who he was. “We thought the career was already dead when we encountered it,” said Patra “Pat” Vimsikul, a Channel V personality who was harassed by Seagal during a 2005 music awards banquet. “He kept asking me if I’d seen ‘Under Seige 2’. We had to call security.”

The remains of the career have been taken to the laboratory of DSI forensics director Khunying Dr. Pornthip Rojanasunand, who will issue a full report next week. However early examination of the corpse suggest that initial press reports that it had been dead for over a decade was not accurate. “Sometimes when something is very sick in its last years of life, it can look worse after death than normal,” Dr. Pornthip explained. “It appears that this particular career was already suffering from various terminal diseases, such as self-parody, self-delusion, and Native American leather-fringed jackets.”

Seagal could not be reached for comment on the passing of his career, as he was busy filming “On the Run,” which is listed in IMDB as being about “Shane Daniels, a man released from a 15 year prison sentence for a crime he didn’t commit.”

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