KHAO SAN ROAD – Local bar and nightspot Gulliver’s Travelers Tavern celebrated a major milestone Saturday by serving its one-millionth asshole.
At approximately 11:32 PM, a large Chang beer was provided to Eric Crosser, a 27-year-old New Zealander who sleeps with Thai women who are obviously prostitutes but then refuses to pay them because no explicit commercial agreement was made.
The serving of the beer to Crosser represents the millionth time that the establishment has served an alcoholic beverage to an asshole since its opening in 1995.
“We’re proud of our heritage as Khao San Road’s favorite gathering place for the world’s assholes,” said night-shift manager Nod Bamhariyang. “Having served a million of them from over 60 countries, we can truly declare that Gulliver’s is the asshole capital of Bangkok. Possibly all of Asia.”
According to Nod, the top asshole-nationalities are the UK, the US, and Israel. However, Russia and China have provided the most asshole-growth in the last year.
Nod attributes Gulliver’s unique success to its careful formula of asshole-attracting qualities, including cheap shitty Western food, décor that mimics the asshole’s natural environment back home, and a balance of sleaziness and pretensions of sophistication which appeals to the asshole’s refusal to admit he’s an asshole.
“Whatever asshole activity appeals to you, whether it’s shouting at TV sports, acting cool and detached while shooting pool, or nursing a single ฿90 beer for two hours while hoping to score a freebie with a down-market freelancer bargirl at 1:45 am, Gulliver’s is the place for you,” she added.
Gulliver’s other branches at Sukhumvit and Pattaya have also attracted their share of assholes, but the Khao San branch is by far the leader.
“Sukhumvit caters more to the quiet, middle-aged lifers, while our Pattaya establishment does a brisk trade in nutjobs and creeps,” said Nod. “But on Khao San Road, it’s all asshole, all the time.”
As a prize for being the 1,000,000th asshole served at Gulliver’s, Crosser received a free ฿5,000 voucher for stitches and first-aid treatment at Bangkok Mission Hospital for the next time he gets punched in the face for being an asshole.
