PYONGYANG – Bespectacled North Korean ruler Kim Jong-il announced yesterday that he would start writing an advice column for starving peasants in the reclusive Communist state.
The column, to be syndicated around the world, will feature funny anecdotes from the life of the Dear Leader, which will also be the name of the column.
“We thought it’d be a funny play on words,” Kim Jong-il told reporters at a press briefing in Pyongyang. “We hope to have it syndicated in 223 countries by 2013.”
A graduate of Kim Il Sung University, Kim Jong-il is a renowned patron of the arts. Some of his early works are said by North Korean professors to be better than Vincent Van Gogh and Pablo Picasso combined.
Besides art, Kim Jong-il is also great at music, farming and fixing cars. He also once learned how to make TV broadcast equipment.
“It’s difficult to have so much to give and no one to share it with,” the North Korean ruler said. “I just wanted to give back a little something to the world.”
Not The Nation is proud to announce it has become the first publication to sign an agreement to print the column.
Kim Jong-il provided a sample at the press conference in Pyongyang:
Q. Dear Leader,
I found out recently that my neighbor stole my last chicken and cooked it and ate it for dinner. We had always gotten along before, so I’m a bit nervous about confronting him. What would you suggest?
— Sullen in Shinbaku
A. Dear Sullen in Shinbaku,
Funny you should ask, when I was a boy my grandfather once told me a very similar story. His solution was simple: Find the sharpest object you have, sneak into his house at night while he is sleeping, and then with all the force you can muster plunge the sharp object into his external jugular vein. This should prove fatal.
Best regards,
Dear Leader
