AYUTTHAYA – The worst-in-decades flooding that has paralyzed the kingdom and damaged its economic outlook threatens to unleash a second wave of catastrophe as thousands of exploitative celebrities descend on already flood-stricken zones.
The provinces of Ayutthaya and Nakhon Sawan, which are almost entirely underwater, are directly in the path of what experts are calling “the biggest mass movement of celebrities in Thailand’s history.” Media watchers are reporting that over 4,000 television singers, actors, presenters, VJs, spokesmodels, game-show hosts, reality-TV contestants, socialites and even astrologers are following the path of southward-moving floodwaters.
“We’ve simply never seen this many celebrities moving at once,” said Nittawan Plodsirip, a celebrity expert at the TRUE Insider channel. “We don’t know what kind of damage they can do once they hit a disaster area.”
According to Nittawan, celebrities cannot be contained with floodwalls or dykes, or even impassable roads. Using their influence and network of powerful connections, their entourages can penetrate any kind of relief operation and cause it to come to a grinding halt within minutes.
Additionally, celebrities in sufficient numbers can actually divert relief efforts into negative productivity, because they consume more than they produce in terms of time, transportation, electricity, media attention, and national focus.
As of 9pm last night the largest mass of celebrities had reached Lop Buri, overwhelming rescue operations there with demands for VIP accommodation, photo ops, and on-air interviews.
“We need help to deal with all these shallow, self-serving egos,” said Maneet Visikornrajeep, director of the Thai Red Cross. “We just don’t have the resources to help flood victims and simultaneously help pretty morons who want to appear like they’re helping flood victims.”
Maneet has asked the government for direct aid in the form of 100 celebrity handlers, TV producers, and up to 25 HD-capable video crews.
“Yesterday we had to spend six hours setting up a 30-second shot of a soap opera actress handing out a total of three food packs to homeless flood victims,” he said. “She needed 20 takes and demanded the right to choose the flood victims herself. It was a disaster.”
A spokesperson for the Flood Relief Operations Center, or FLOC, insisted that the government was doing everything possible to deal with celebrities.
“We have been in contact with talent agents nationwide, and begged their co-operation in restraining their clients from interfering with relief operations,” said Pol General Pongsapat Pongcharoen. “But celebrities are as unpredictable as rain.”
Pongsapat added that with the nation’s media firmly focused on flood stories, there was a severe drop in coverage of celebrity activities, which had caused a drought in celebrity attention. This drought was the cause of the celebrity migration.
“Celebrities flock towards wherever the cameras are. This is nature, and we can’t do anything about it.”
Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra had already ordered several celebrity containment measures, such as the requirement of prior registration for interviews and the strict limitation on VIP passes into evacuation centers. However, many breaches in the anti-celebrity wall have been reported in Pathum Thani and Nonthaburi. According to Nittawan, once a breach occurs, celebrities simply flood in and cannot be stopped.
Despite the gloomy outlook, at least some academics feel that the problem will shortly solve itself.
“Remember, celebrities only pretend to care about what everyone else pretends to care about,” said Professor Surapongse Sotanasathien of the Communications Faculty at Thammasat University. “And now that the floods appear to have spared Bangkok, the flood story itself will fade from the newspapers – and the celebrities will fade with them.”
